


A New Sound.

by fluffyloser



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, Fluff, M/M, Self-Discovery, Self-Hatred, not heavy but some sexual content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 13:03:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 25,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4222719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffyloser/pseuds/fluffyloser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>|D.H||P.L| : Dan Howell is just a young man trying to survive on his own in the outskirts of town, but when he gets his life turned upside down while breaking into a church to play a piano and meeting a writer, he doesn't know whether to run or stay. To run means that he would be alone once again and to stay would mean that all of his secrets and fears would be released, if he stayed though he would finally get the life he deserved.</p><p>An AU where Dan is just a sad teenager who has a love for the piano and a hatred for everything else, and somehow Phil changes that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. part one

**Author's Note:**

> I have a music playlist for this story so check the notes at the bottom for it!

Part One

~*/|\\*~

Dan slugged into his empty apartment and fell on top of his disgusting tan tinted couch with a sigh; it was another boring useless day at the Italian restaurants that he worked at all. He had be busting dishes for a solid ten hours and he still only got 3209.73 pounds a month, that barely covered rent and that isn’t even mentioning food. He put his hands to his head and rubbed down his face taking a tear or two with them. ‘God life can’t just fuck off for one day’ Dan thought he didn’t do anything but sleep, go on his laptop, working, and go to a church with a piano. That is exactly what he was going to do, he was going to go to the church with the beautiful broken lighted chandlers and the stain-glass windows that painted the walls of the sides of the church. Dan grabbed his shitty coat and grabbed his keys, he ran down the stairs and pushed his way through the door of the apartment building. The ground was covered in ice and snow, the air was cold on his face and he could feel his fingertips get picked by the breeze of winter time. He shoved his hands into his pockets and walked his way down the streets that were blackened by the night, Dan’s breath was the only faded color and his nose froze as he kept walking down that lonely road with his lonely mind.

Dan’s fingers tingled at the thought of them resting on his old friend, the only thing that was every there for him. He wasn’t going to lie, he had a pretty good childhood, his parents were nice and sweet in public but more harsh and demanding in private. He always shook that off, but he also had the typical bullies to. They didn’t affect him too much; well that is what he would like to think. When he was thirteen, he had one of many mental breakdowns in his life and he ran straight from school to an old abandon church that he walked past every day. He found some small twigs and unlocked the lock and pushed his way through all the debris. It was all dusty but the way the light hit all of the surrounding windows made him feel like reality was a forgotten place. Dan felt a weight off of his shoulders and what made him fall in love with the place was the beautiful black grand piano on the second level of the church, it was pretty hidden but he pushed all the fallen wood and some broken glass to get to the stairs. He ran up to find it in okay shape, Dan never played the piano before but when he sat down on the bench they had placed up there he felt like this is where he belonged. Ever since that day, Dan would leave late at night and run to the church with the blessed piano. He would bring music he found online and bring it to the piano and slowly learn his way to being a good player.

Dan finally got to the church, it was a half an hour away because of where he lived now which made him frown slightly, he hated to walk or move in general. He felt like he was holding his breath for the past two weeks and now he could finally breathe in the musky air of the church. He entered the church and ran up the stupid stairs trying not to trip in the dark; he flipped the lights while throwing off his jacket on the floor and sliding on the bench. He turned the protector over so he could see the slightly off white keys and rested his cold fingers on them. This was the place he could let down his guard and be vulnerable, his little sanctuary that no one stepped foot in. This place kept him sane. No one could scrutinize him here; tell him that he was a useless person in society that made the family look like a disappointment. All his sinister thoughts went away when he pressed down on the first keys. Most people think that when people play fast music it must be hard, which it is somewhat right but in reality is just the opposite. The slowest songs are the hardest to play because you have to count all the time to make sure you keep on tract. Also when you play slow music you have to get into, you have to put your whole body and soul into that piece like it is your last dying breath, you have to play like you are going to die.

That is what made Dan an amazing player, he played with his heart on his sleeve, and he moved lightly to the tune of the music, you could hear his silent words in the air. That is what made him stop his walk back to his flat to listen into the church. He walked up the marble steps and opened the door as silent as a feather dropping; he didn’t want to musician notice him in the shadows. He could hear the story bubbling in his body as he listened to the heart-breaking notes fly across the piano; he could see the boy playing and couldn’t help but smile at the beauty of the boy. The boy up there leaving his soul out for him to take wasn’t just pretty but instead breathe taking. 

Dan hated the silence after he finished, it was eerie and made him feel self-conscious on how much of a failure he was. Out of turmoil, he flung his fingers across the keys and grabbed his hair pushing his head down on the keys. Suddenly he heard a crash in the church and had his eyes widen, with that he flailed himself to the back of the grand piano. Dan hadn’t been this scared shitless in a while and he did not enjoy being freaked out again. 

‘Oh shit, why is someone in the church? It has been run down for years now. God this is not the way I would want to be arrested.’ Dan hissed at himself. After breaking in for the last six years you would think the police would have come sooner. He thought about his chance of running away was zero because he can barely get up the stairs walking without tripping. It can’t be that bad, right? He rolled his eyes and stood up putting his hands on his head while backing away from the piano with his eyes closed, he put his head down not wanting them to see his shame. Instead he heard a small laugh which made his eyebrows rose, the oddest thing happened next, the person actually spoke. 

“Who are you?” the voice was not low but not too high, it was sharp but had this breezy feel to it. Dan hadn’t been this calm by three words in his life, but he has never been this threated by them at the same time. 

“Who are you?” Dan threw back to the man as he took his hands from his head and looked down into the seats below. He never noticed that he was in the shadows until the man walked out. Dan’s breathe got caught in his throat, the man bellow him was tall and pale as the snow with thick black rimmed glasses. He felt drawn in, he needed to see more. The man cleared his throat and shifted on his feet.

“I’m Philip Lester, but you can call me Phil if you would like?” 

“Why are you here?” Dan shot back, he could not get involved. This Phil guy could be a rapist for all he knew. “I was walking home from a late night at Uni and I heard you pla-“

“You heard me p-playing?” Dan stuttered, oh shit. This was never supposed to happen. Why now, not now. “How couldn’t I, it was one of the most glorious things I have heard in my life.”

Dan was silent now, he couldn’t trust this stranger named Phil, he just need to get home and sleep this whole god awful dream away. Dan moved to get his coat and flicked the lights off making the male below gasp in surprise then slowly get his ground back. He made his way down the stairs. 

“Well I am glad you enjoyed the show because you will never hear it again so goodnight.” Dan muttered before passing Phil, he put his hands in his pocket and he towards the ground showing that nothing was going to stop him, not even this perfect man in front of him. Phil had other ideas though. 

“Wait,” Phil grabbed Dan’s arm and Dan turned his head towards him. “Do you want to go get some coffee or tea with me?” 

Dan never knew one word would change his outlook on life, making him excited that the sun rises and the moon fades into the night. He never knew the man named Phil that stopped by at the church that gloomy dark night would be the person to pull him. Now he had the unforeseeable future in front of him so he said with a small smile on his face.

“No thank you.” First, he could be a rapist still even if he was a regular Uni boy, second, it was past midnight and third, umm. Dan rolled his brown eyes and tugged his arm away from the man and pushed the doors open of the church, Phil ran after him tripping a little after him. He was a little shock, but God that was an amazing smile. “Hey, you know I am not taking no for an answer!” Phil yelled in the middle of the street as Dan kept walking. “You know what, I am going to lay in the road until you say yes.” That made Dan stop, his shoulders dropped as he started to get annoyed with Phil, how old was he four?

“You could be a rapist for all I know! You aren’t go-“ Dan started as he turned back to look at Phil laying straight on the road, his arms and legs made his body look like a giant X. 

“Oh come on! Get up and go home Uni boy.” Dan mumbled, he could hear a no laughed out and his lips went straight. 

‘He is asking you to coffee Dan, just go and actually talk to someone.’ He thought to himself, he kicked a patch of snow and threw his hands up in the air. “Fine! You can buy me a cup of coffee, but I swear to god if you touch me oddly I will flip a shit.” Dan saw Phil’s head pick up from the street with little snowflakes in them, he smiled brightly and jumped up fixing his coat, hair, and glasses. “Well it’s this way hot stuff.” Phil smirked as Dan kept walking the wrong way, Dan blushed and turned back to look at him. He mumbled to himself as he finally got to Phil. “I told you could buy me coffee not talk to me.” Phil laughed and just put an arm around him. “That would be no fun though, let yourself live.” Phil got really close to Dan’s ear and he could barely kept breathing.

“By the way, not a rapist. It’s okay to be happy.” “I am not going to flirt with a sorry ass Uni boy, just get me a coffee.” Dan laughed while saying that, he hadn’t been this confidante around someone and it was hilarious for him to hear himself say that, but Phil just shook his head. 

“Who said I was flirting?” Now Dan felt small again, he started gushing and apologizing to Phil and said that he really didn’t mean it. Phil rolled his eyes. “You are so gullible.” That got Dan blushing once again, stupid Uni Boy, Phil loved every minute of it.

It honestly didn’t take them long to get to the café. Phil explained that he went there most nights because they stayed open 24/7. They didn’t talk much but by the time they got to a table in a far back corner they hit the ground running, starting about Dan’s prissy coffee choices. 

“Okay, if having a white mocha is prissy, is the only coffee drink that isn’t black?” Dan questioned sitting straight in his chair ready to argue this way that his coffee choice was perfectly normal for a nineteen year old loser. Phil had his warm light blue eyes over the top rim of his glasses, he had a small smile on his blushed lips and he grabbed his black coffee.

“Black coffee, the best coffee.” “Ugh, you disgust me.” Dan mumbled when Phil brought the cup to his lips and drank a tad. 

Dan knew that Phil was going to University but he was curious to know what was in his back pack. “What do you study at Uni?”  
Phil seemed a little surprised when Dan asked, he shifted a little from his laid back position to grab his backpack. He pulled out a large notebook with plenty of color sticky notes coming out of it. Phil shrugged his shoulders and sighed when he opened to the first page and turned it towards Dan. 

“Actually I am getting my masters in Creative Writing, this is my notebook of everything and anything that has ever drifted in and out of my head. It is pretty much just a mess of words, but somehow it got me this far.” Phil looked so proud of all of his work and Dan thought to himself that is what being happy is, Dan was so amazed that someone could write so much and looked into Phil’s eyes as he exampled each page. He looked amazing, he was glowing as each page was turned by his pale finger tips.

“I mostly write sc-fi adventure, like Star Wars, Star Trek, and aliens. I am such a nerd but I really don’t care because it makes me really happy to write this stuff and have people get involved with it. But this semester I have to write something more ‘romantic and angst like’.” Phil put quotes around the romantic phrase, he put his head down on the table and sighed. “I have never wrote anything like that before. I am a twenty-three year old guy, not a fifteen year old girl, the only thing that the girl and I have in common is the non-existing love life. ” He sounded worried, Dan rolled his eyes and picked him up by the hair ignoring the ow’s. 

“From what I have read, I am surprised you haven’t. This is so romantic shit you got in here and it will be amazing alright?” Dan said smiling at the elder, Phil rolled his eyes and grabbed his notebook. 

“So what do you do, going to University to?” Dan looked at a clock and noticed the time, it was almost three am and he sure as hell didn’t want to talk about himself to the writer. 

“Well this was so much fun and all but I really have to get going.” Dan started while standing up and putting his coat back on. 

“Let me walk you home.” Phil said and no matter how many times Dan would say that he didn’t have to Phil just shook his head and insisted that he wanted to. Now in the middle of the road again, Dan and Phil walked with a solid two feet in-between them, Dan had his hands wrapped around himself. One thing Dan couldn’t stop was look at the beauty man to his side, Phil was gorgeous. Dan could tell that he dyed his hair black because his eyebrows were a light reddish-brown color. Even the way he dressed was flawless, he had a black leather jacket on with a dark red and white flannel under it. Dan looked down at his stupid black coat and pixeled adventure time shirt on, he mentally slapped himself for looking like an idiot but yet again he didn’t expect someone to just walk into the fucking church that night either. Finally they got to Dan’s apartment area and he awkwardly turned to Phil shyly saying “Well this is it.”

“When can I hear you play again?” Phil asked, Dan rolled his eyes while turning the key into his door. 

“Never, now goodnight Uni Boy.” Dan looked up to see Phil standing pretty close to him, without any words Phil gave a small piece of paper to him and smiled. 

“See you again Piano Beauty.” Phil spoke with such confidence when he walked away. Dan on the other hand just ran into his apartment while stripping out of all his clothes, mentally removing himself from the world. That was fucking terrifying. He wrapped himself in bed not daring to get out, why the hell did he actually grab the piece of paper from him? Was he finally going insane? His eye lids where not able to fall down, all he could think about was that new sound entering his world. Phil’s voice was unlike anything he ever heard, it felt like home. Dan didn’t know if he wanted Phil in his life, but he really didn’t want him out. He felt okay around him and he cursed himself for thinking about the stupid writer before falling sleep. 

~*/|\\*~ 

It had been two weeks sense Dan meet Phil, at first he thought it was a dream, but then slapped himself because he was acting like an idiot, of course it fucking happened. He didn’t want to believe it and no doubt in his mind, Dan was not stepping one foot in that direction for a while. He couldn’t take it anymore though, his boss almost threw Dan out of the restaurant because he served ‘shit food’ to someone and of course he couldn’t keep his ‘useless fucking voice’ to himself after replying that ‘it was the cooks fault, not mine you old fat ass.’ No, he wasn’t fired but he was god damn close. It was enough for him to go ‘home’ early. When he got back, Dan climbed Mount Everest to get to his pathetic room to sink into his deadly thought bubble. He could feel it coming, like a giant storm forming in his body that doubled, no, tripled in size after every breath he took in. He slammed his bedroom door closed for no one to hear anyway but as he fell in the ground grabbing at his knees pulling them to his chest. He hated these kinds of days, the days when you barely have the will to live and they seem to come more often in the past two months.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, stop it Dan. Stop it right now, you cannot afford to go back to the fucking church. Calm down already, calm down please. Jesus fucking Christ.” Dan spoke in sobs to himself, he ran his hands throw his hair that started to curl at the tips from the oil and sweat coming off of his body that shook lightly. He had to pick himself off of the ground, he had to move on, he just had too. He needed to force himself through a meal that disgusted him, force himself to wake up in the morning, force himself to his shitty job, force himself back to his lonely apartment, and force himself not to break down at any and every moment of his awful life. That is what he has been doing for the last five years and he needs to keep doing it for the rest of his life. He knew it was after midnight and he felt a longing towards the church; that is what he told himself. He was in between the thought of going there or not, he wanted to play the piano and maybe break a few or all of the windows. He didn’t want to see Phil again though, he couldn’t example why he didn’t want to because his whole mind and body wanted to be by Phil, but still here he is nowhere around him. Then he ran, Dan didn’t bother with a coat or what he looked like, he just picked up the pile of papers he had printed out, apartment keys, and his phone. Dan threw all his cares out the door when he stepped out in the chilled air, what where to odds of Phil actually being there anyway?

Dan shouldn’t have been surprised when he saw Phil in the back corners of the church, but he was. It made him actually jump and scream a tad. Phil could see the fire in his deep brown eyes knowing that Dan was pissed off that he was there, but Phil couldn’t help but notice the multiple papers in his hands. Dan brought music to learn, he had nowhere else to go. Dan’s eyes trailed Phil’s and he knew that he had seen the music he had brought.  
‘Is learning so bad Uni boy? Hell nah it ain’t.’ Dan thought but then yet again all he wanted to do was practice and Phil to get his ass out of here. “Hey, can you go?” Dan snapped at him, he didn’t care if he sounded like an asshole. All Phil did was sit in one of the large benches in the back, “I won’t make a sound, I promise.” Dan rolled his eyes at him, to be honest he didn’t want to argue with him but he didn’t really want to be around anyone, but Dan noticed something was off with Phil. Yeah, he only has seen him once before this but they talked for hours. You could hear it.

“Phil, why are you here?” Dan asked completely serious, Phil smirked and batted his eyes at him throwing Dan off. Something was really wrong.

“Well, I was about to stop after coming here for three years in seems like, but I guess I made a good choice for for, um. What were we talking about again?” Phil asked laughing loudly that Dan had to go run and cover his mouth. He was cackling like a psychopath, Phil hiccupped into Dan’s hand after his giggles went into silence. ‘He cannot be drunk on a Monday night, this guy cannot be drunk already at the beginning of the week.’ Dan thought. 

“Phil, in all seriousness were you drinking tonight?” He removed his hand from Phil’s mouth so he could speak hopefully not in slurs. “I had a shot or two, I lost count at five. I had my friend take me here so I could hear you play.” Phil said patting Dan’s head. “Wow, your hair is all soft and shiny.” Dan removed his hand from his head, what the hell was he going to do with this guy. ‘I should of just pitied myself at the apartment now I have to actually deal with shit.’ 

“Phil, we got to get you ba-“”Don’t leave me again, please.” Phil grabbed Dan’s hand he was shaking his head and looked to the floor. “One song, please, it was the only thing that had calmed me down in weeks. One song, Dan.” He was starting to slur his words, but Dan could hear the slick suffering in his voice. It almost sounded like he was living off of the piano instead of air. “One song.” Dan whispered in agreement.

Phil’s hand slipped off of Dan’s and Dan took off into the moon lighted windows and to the stairs where they were actually not completely black. He decided to keep the lights off in the next floor just in case Phil’s eyes were light hearted from the alcohol clouding his mind. 

In all honesty, Dan decided that he never wanted to see Phil again; he knew that it was a bad idea to come back to the church. He just knew that Phil would end up being there and Dan was still not positive on why he actually was there. At the same time, when he put his cold fingers on the keys he felt relieved that Phil was there. For the first time in Dan’s life, he felt needed; that he had a purpose. He didn’t care if it was something as small as playing a piano for a drunken Uni boy. 

Dan played a piece that repeated itself many many times over again, but had a calming sense to it. He could feel himself be pulled over by the piece and felt the world melt. It was one of the first piece he had learned how to play but it had so much meaning to him. It was one of those simple things that saved him, it honest to god saved him and he wasn’t sure how it did but he was almost happy about it. He was able to be here now, playing in front of someone for the first time with knowing that they are there to possible judge and hurt him. He felt the safety net go over him though because Phil wouldn’t do that. 

Suddenly he heard a thud and a string of ‘oh fuck’ and ‘shit me’ come from the stairs. Dan’s head turned and he stood up from his bench. “Phil?” ”Um… no?” Dan ran towards to the stairs and found Phil sitting on one of the steps. Dan sat next to him and he didn’t seem mentally or physically damaged beyond repair. Phil seemed lost from reality as he starred off into space.

“Sorry, I just wanted to hear you better.” Phil spoke incomplete slurs, yep time to go home. Before Dan could stand up, Phil’s head rest against Dan’s shoulder. He could see Phil’s breath in the moon light as it came in slightly through the cracks. “I’m sorry that I showed up and that I am a complete mess right now, it is just so stressful being on a writer’s block for a month and writing in the only way you can make money.” So Phil’s job was also in writing, not like actually working. Maybe another reason Dan hasn’t seen him in this tiny town, Phil is probably stuffed in his apartment all th- wait, how the hell is he going to get Phil home if he has no fucking idea where he lives? Phil was starting to doze off on his shoulder and Dan had no car and no body strengthen to pull him in different directions all night. 

“Phil? Phil, hey, wake up. Where do you live?” Dan asked, shaking the sleepy man on his shoulder to wake up and answer this important question. ‘Please not on the other side of town, please not on the other side of town. I swear to god if it is on the other side of town I will lose it.’ Dan repeated in his mind, he would rather drag the guy around town then have him in his own apartment. “Don’t worry about it, I live on the back roads on the other side of town. Just take me to your place.” He yawned about to fall back asleep.  
Well shit me, right on the fucking floor. Now if Dan didn’t lose his shit today he wouldn’t have to deal with a man he has meet only twice, drunk and maybe coming to his place. Right. Now. Good going Dan, fan-fucking-tasic, but it isn’t like he could just leave him at this church. Dan wouldn’t live with himself if he did that. No way in hell he was going to have Phil stay at his apartment.

As Dan pulled Phil into the apartment door, he almost wanted to go back to work and kiss the feet of his stupid boss. After asking around a hundred times for Phil’s address, he ended up stop speaking and just shook his head like the five year old he was. What else would you expect from a twenty-three year old going through his mid-life crisis? I guess it is better to do it now than never, but now Phil was seriously giving a pain in Dan’s back and he still had to defeat the mountain of stairs above him. They made their way step by step with Phil’s arm around Dan’s shoulder putting all his dead weight on Dan. After twenty minutes, Dan finally got to his door and unlocked it while dragging Phil in. It was a one bedroom apartment and Dan just trucked his way through and got to his door of the only bedroom, throwing Phil on his bed. 

‘Might as well, I will probably not sleep anyway tonight.’ Dan was about to leave when he felt guilt towards the older man in front of him. Rolling his eyes, Dan took off Phil’s converse off and pulled the duvet over him. ‘I hate drunks.’ Dan closed the door after he grabbed his sweat pants and forever old laptop; he changed into more comfortable clothes and pulled himself to the couch where he would be sleeping if he actually ended up to. He had put himself in a sea of blankets and went into his browsing position that he knew he wouldn’t get out of until five am. It took him awhile to actually get over the fact that Phil was in his bedroom sleeping off his drunken state, Dan would casual look over to the wall that was right next to his room. He smiled a bit; Phil was hilarious when he was drunk, caring, nice, and really touchy-feely. No one could be that nice, especially to him. He scoffed at himself, why was he even thinking about this when Phil couldn’t even muster up a thank you. Dan was an idiot, but right now he was unknowingly okay with that.

Phil tossed and turned in Dan’s bed, he knew that he was at Dan’s place because it smelled different than his own home. He smiled at himself, he didn’t care how he got there or really remember the reason why he was there but all he could think and say was, “Thank you.”

~*/|\\*~

Yeah, Dan had regretted calling in sick for work for a million reasons. First, he almost got fired because his acting was a little rusty and they figured out that he wasn’t sick, second, what the hell was he suppose it say when Phil got up ‘oh yeah I dragged you back to my apartment because you were so shit-faced that you were too lazy to tell me the directions to your place’. Dan was terrified, when he woke up he hoped to have one of those ‘wait what happened last night’ then have to rush all back to him but no. He remembered it all and when his eyes shot open he panicked point three second after and that was at six in the morning. Dan can’t even remember a time when he had got up that early. Now he had been pacing in the hallway for two hours thinking of things to say to Phil when he gets up. 

Phil’s head was killing him, he remembers everything that happened last night but he can’t help but hit myself for drinking on a Monday. He knew it was pretty early and that he really shouldn’t be up this early with a hangover, he notice that his phone is on the table besides the bed and he picks it up to see it is close to nine in the morning. ‘Why am I up?’ Then he hears it, thud thud thud. It was footsteps and he felt like someone was running on his brain. It had to be Dan, oh my god Dan. Okay maybe Phil didn’t remember the whole night but now it was all coming back to him, he was at Dan’s apartment which means. Phil looks down at the squared black, grey, and white duvet and picks it up; he was on Dan’s bed. ‘Shit, did not mean this to happen.’ Phil almost jumps off of the bed but stops when his brain literally hits the top of his skull. He groans and rubs his head; luckily his head is the only thing that is bothering him. He got ‘tipsy’ last night, he could hold his alcohol pretty well. His stomach wasn’t going to die on him but he still didn’t feel too hot right now. ‘It doesn’t matter how you feel Phil, you need to get out of here.’ Phil takes his sweet time getting to the door and when he gets close he hear mumbling. Before he opens it, he puts his ear to the door to see if he could hear what Dan was saying. 

“Aye, Phil. You may be really confused right now but I’m Da- he knows me already you fucking idiot.” 

”Um, yeah Phil you got really drunk last night and you told me to bring you fo- food? Really food, bring you here! God I am a hopeless twat.” 

“Phil, you got drunk and I brought you back here, so here is so meds to kill the head ache and I can make coffee or tea if you would like? Yeah that one will work, that one can be good. But what if he doesn’t like coffee or tea, what if he can’t swallow pills, what i-“

Dan was stopped when the door opened and Phil’s head peeked out, Dan had to turn his head to see Phil because he was walking the other direction. He could feel the blush spreading to his cheeks. ‘He must of heard that whole thing.’ His blush went away and all the color from his face was flushed pale. God, he looked like such an idiot right now, he wanted to crawl away from the world. It wasn’t until then when Phil spoke Dan felt oaky again.

“Um, good morning Dan.” He was quiet, he sounded small. Probably the head ache. Dan rubbed his arm and looked down. “Good morning, do you want umm something for your head or your stomach? Ah, I got, umm I got coffee or tea if you want.” Dan stumbled across his words, he never dealt with someone else hangover before, only himself and he had to best stuff for getting over hangovers. Phil nodded a little and came out of Dan’s room without words. They got to the kitchen and Phil pulled up a stool and sat on it, he played with his thumbs while Dan asked for tea or coffee, Phil responded with a curt, coffee and he started his sentence of it being black but Dan had already beat him to it, Dan had remembered. There was a tense awkward silence, what the hell now?

“So.” Dan coughed a tad. “Do you um do you remember last night?” Dan asked the question like Phil did something unthinkable to him making Phil get really nervous. “Did I do something last night that bothered you or.” Phil started but Dan almost jumped over the counter.

“No no no, you didn’t do anything- I just- I mean- I am sorry for saying that it just.” Phil laughed and shook his head and looked into Dan’s eyes. “Dan, it’s okay.” Dan had the most beautiful eyes, they are these amazing brown eyes. Phil always found himself to be a sucker for green but Dan changed all of that. His eyes were so dark, so cold, Phil wanted to know what exactly went through Dan’s mind. Every good and bad thing that wanted to leave his lips or stop his breath. Dan was so different, none of Phil’s Uni friends were like this but yet again all of them had ‘real’ people goals. Some had football going for them and you had the science and math majors, Phil was in the arts. Only art majors seem to understand, but not get anything at all. Phil felt it in Dan’s eyes, he wasn’t like them. Dan got it and that was terrifying, anyone who understands knows what it is like to be alone and that is what Dan was, alone. 

“Here is your coffee, um you can leave when ever. I am off work so I will just um be on the couch.” Dan spoke softly, looking away from Phil. Phil wanted Dan’s eyes back on him though, he didn’t like it when Dan walked out of the room, it felt like the sun just went away forever. Phil looked down at the black mug and put his hands around it to warm him up, after Dan left Phil felt somewhat cold again. 

Dan was finally able to breathe again when he left the kitchen; it was like he was holding his breath the whole time when he wasn’t. Phil’s eyes were staring into his, what felt like hours was only a minutes or two. He landed on the couch pulling a pillow to his chest and held it close, holy shit Phil’s eyes. Just, his eyes were the most unbelievable things created. They were so light you would think they were white, but when the light hit them perfectly they would light up. His eyes almost danced in the sun and sang soft words in the moon light. With the blue and touches of navy sparked their way through, it was impossible to describe but Dan sat by himself thinking about them. He wanted to think about them until the day he died, for some reason he wanted that day to be pushed back.

Dan closed his eyes and focused on his breathing, the movements of his chest to know that he was in fact alive. It sounds odd and a little insane, but Dan lost touch with the world like he wasn’t even there. That he didn’t move or breath, speak or sign, love or hate, happy or not. Sometimes when he got so lost that he believed it was all a lie, life was this giant enigma of lies. Dan has never had this happen before, that something so amazing happened that he felt like it didn’t exist, he thought that Phil couldn’t be alive. Phil was the epitome of perfection, from his eyes to his adorable nose, to his little smirk and his tongue in between his teeth when he laughed. Now it wasn’t just sleep, eat, work, it was, sleep, Phil, eat, Phil, work, and first thought to his last of the day would always circle around the black hair-dyed man. Almost half way asleep with Phil on the tip of his tongue, Phil appeared in the living room.

“Jesus Christ, are you trying to make me have a stroke.” Dan held his heat and let out an airy laugh, Phil smiled and Dan could tell that he had more of his confidence back. “Well hot stuff, I remember you saying that you got off work today so I was pondering the thought of asking if you wanted to take a trip with me.” He had his back on the doorframe and his glasses hung low on his nose when he smirked at Dan. Dan’s eyebrows string together, just drop everything and go on a trip? “Yeah, I will go on a trip to you.” Phil’s smirked became larger as he left the room; he came back with all his stuff from last night in his hands. “Pack your bags, we are going to London. I will be back around four.” Dan’s eyes became huge, London? How could he pay for London! What about his job, the apartment, his internet connection? There really is nothing to lose but his job, apartment, laptop, and all of his self-pride and to be honest he didn’t care anymore. Dan just didn’t care anymore and it was amazing so all he did was smile and nod at Phil.

“See you at four.” 

Then he was off to the races, what the hell does he need? How long will they be gone for? What about his boss, what about the bills? Okay maybe Dan did care a little or a lot. Not like he could back out now though, he hasn’t been on a trip in years. He has lived the same life since he moved out of his parent’s house. Maybe this was a bad idea, he had only met Phil on other time, he taken back to his place after he got drunk, and have awkward eye contact. Yet again everything Dan did was somewhat awkward. He does have Phil’s number still in his coat pocket, he could call it off if he really wanted to. Phil had literally just left five minutes ago and Dan is already questioning himself. 

‘What do you got to live for?’ Dan’s mind teased him; he rolled his eyes at the inner voice. ‘Why did you say yes to the drunk who is just using you?’ Is he really going to do this to himself? ‘Why are you leaving a life of boredom for him, a writer?’ ’A writer,’ Dan thought. ‘Not another writer.’

His father is a writer, infamous of course but a writer, a liar, a cheater. Dan only remembers so much of what happened when he was around five or six. He remembered a lot of yelling and cussing from his mother and father, it only lasted around two or three months but it was scary as hell. Dan saw his father hit his mother only once but his father ran to her when she fell to the floor and he was crying, she was crying, Dan was in shock. It was a mess, but nothing happened after that. Everything went back to normal and Dan liked that when he was younger but now he understands so much more than he wished. Dan understood everything too well and that is one of the things he hated about himself the most. His father was a dirt bag, good for nothing cheater on his mother. Dan truly loved his mother but loathed her at the same time, pushing him so far to become a lawyer like her. Dan hated his family and no one ever knew, not even his parent’s. 

Dan’s eyes opened to see the tv in front of him playing some stupid show and he realized that he went off in a daydream, Dan was now terrified. He couldn’t go, he had to remember what got him here. He can’t be taken down again, he can’t be with anyone. He can’t have friends, he just can’t take it. Dan rushes out of his living room and trips and slips his way to his coat on the floor of his bedroom, he has to cancel. He fumbles with the paper when he hears a laugh coming from the door. He screams and jumps up to only see the man he wanted to talk to.

“What are you fucking doing here Phil; that is the fucking third time.” “I knew you would try to cancel so I came back in time to help you pack.” Phil said leaning his head towards the door frame, he already had new clothes on, a christmas-like sweater and black skinny jeans. He had no glasses on and his fringe was perfectly placed on his head. “But how?” Dan said with a sass in his voice while rolling his eyes, he was thrown off that Phil was actually right.

“You hold everything in the eyes hot stuff.” Phil shrugged his shoulders. ‘God damn writers.’ Dan thought to himself, you can’t be around them without them getting in your head in t-minus three seconds. “How are you ready, you live across town.” Dan questioned with a hiss. Phil put on his angel smile and batted his eyes at Dan. “I may have lied.” Dan’s lips were straightened into a line as he tried not to kill him. 

With a hand motion of telling Phil that he will let it go, he just muttered at him with a tiny smile on his lips now, “Are you going to help me pack or not?”

~*/|\\*~

Dan had been to London before but it is the first time he has gone with someone other than his parent’s. Phil and Dan had left a lot later than planned, like around eight. They got into Death Note and Phil almost pissed his pants because he was squealing that this is one of his favorites. Dan rolled his eyes, it couldn’t be that good? Well he ended up wiping ‘sweat’ from his eyes after L died while Phil laughed at him for ‘crying’. Dan looked at the clock and his eyes widen and almost screamed because they needed to leave now even if they wanted to be able to get to London. 

I wasn’t that far, maybe forty-five minutes away from the underground train and it was cold as hell. Phil looked at the weather and it was said to snow tonight, well he checked after he packed. Dan got fed up when Phil’s teeth wouldn’t stop clicking together on the train so he pulled his jacket off and shoved it towards Phil. Being a shit Phil is, he smiled warmly with his teeth perfectly still while putting on the jacket. That is when Dan regretted every decision of going with him.  
Luckily, Phil did do something right by having a hotel room already booked. It was very close to the train and was small, it looked like a creepy stalker place on the outside but when you got in it was beautiful vintage and smelled like Christmas. Phil went up to get the key and Dan hid close behind him, the old lady smiled and got the key. She put the key in Phil’s hand and looked behind him to look into Dan’s awkward eye contact position. 

“Here you go you sweet lads, no one else is booked tonight so enjoy yourselves.” Dan’s eyes widen and started freaking out stuttering words explaining that they weren’t together. Phil was the one to roll his eyes now and smirked at Dan, putting his arm around him pulling Dan close to his body.

“Thank you very much.” He said and kept his arm around Dan’s waist as they walked to the lift to the third floor. When they got in and the door had closed, Dan slapped Phil’s hands off of him. 

“Can you not for one second or I’m leaving.” Dan muttered crossing his arms in front of him. “Come on, I saved you from blubbering your way to embarrassment, you should thank me.” Phil said pulling at Dan’s arms. Dan shifted his backpack on his other shoulder and pushed his way from Phil to get out of the small lift. They got to their room and Dan was thankful for Phil booking a room with two beds, with Phil acting this way you would think he would get even more cheeky by getting a one bed room. 

Dan sat on the far bed close to the window and put his backpack there, and then he walked his way to the window to pull the curtains. He tried to do it movie style and he did a pretty good job except the view was a brick wall and had nothing really special about it. 

“We should probably go to sleep, I have a surprise for you tomorrow.” Phil said with a sing-songy voice, Dan sighed and sat on his bed. He ran his hands threw his hair and looked over at Phil who had his glasses on and a pair of fancy colorful sweatpants with a black t-shirt loose on his chest. 

“Why are we here, like why am I here. When in my right mind did I decide to go on trip with a man I barely know?” 

“I guess you just trust me enough to let yourself be happy.” Phil shrugged, he laid down and took off his glasses and snuggled into the covers of the nice hotel bed. Dan didn’t speak after that, he just under dressed right there not caring and turned off the light, he made his way to the bed without tripping on anything. 

Dan almost asleep when he heard a quiet voice, “You should smile more.” “You should shut the fuck up more.” Dan replied and he heard the giggle of angels come out of Phil’s mouth. Maybe Phil was right.

Dan hated mornings and he never thought that he would be able to find someone else who hated mornings more than him, but Phil won at that. It almost took three books to get Phil out of bed, Dan had already took a shower, dressed, put in his wifi password on his laptop and enjoyed the free wifi for a solid hour before Phil got up around twelve. Phil was a mess to in the morning; he was almost as bad as when he was drunk. He was all snuggly and would just turn in his sheets yawning before getting up and tripping on the books Dan threw at him because he was too lazy to actually shake him awake. Dan chocked on his coffee and started laughing hard when Phil face planted into the floor.

“God, you are a mess.” Dan sputtered out covering his mouth from Phil, he was still laughing like a mad man but what Phil said made him lose it completely. “I’m not a mess, I’m modern art.” 

It took another hour for Phil to get ready and Dan was going to email his parent’s that if he wasn’t back at the house by Friday that he had been kidnapped is probably dead, but he decided to pass because that would take a lot of explaining that he just didn’t want to do. Phil had walked out in some nice-ish clothes; he had a button down black shirt that went to his elbows with a silver tie on then maroon colored skinny jeans. He kept flipping his fringed all over the place and started to get water droplets on Dan’s galaxy cat shirt. Okay, now he felt really under dressed.

“Um, should I change or?” Dan asked with a shake of the voice when Phil’s eyes meet his. Phil’s eyes went down Dan body to look at his clothes making Dan excited and uncomfortable at the same time and he hated it. “Yeah, you remember that button down with the constellations on it? Put that on maybe, I like that shirt a lot.” Dan nodded, he got that shirt about a year ago because he liked it also but yet again he had nowhere to wear it. This would be maybe the second or third he had worn it. Dan grabbed that shirt and a pair of black jeans and went to the bathroom to change. He threw it on fast but what kept him in the bathroom was his hair. He forget his straightener at his flat and now he had his so called hobbit hair, he loathed it as much and really did not want to go out after he saw that.

Dan walked out and saw Phil lying down on his bed scrolling through his phone, Dan coughed and Phil’s eyes flicked up and smiled at him. “Um, do I. Ah do I look okay?” Dan stuttered out, he used to not care about what he looked like until he was a teenager where everything ended up mattering more than the important things in life, like eating. “You look, wow, you look perfect Dan.” Phil stated getting up from his bed. Dan was nervous as hell and he didn’t know why. Phil’s eyes were locked with his and everything was disappearing, then Phil just walked passed him making Dan blush. ‘Calm down you idiot.’ Dan said to himself.

“Remember your jacket okay?” Phil said with a playful tone. “Don’t let me distract you.” 

“Oh shut up, what are we doing?” Dan asked as they left the hotel room and locked it. Phil nodded his head to the left and right. “Eh, maybe I should just tell you. We are going to go to an art museum and dinner then the surprise.” Phil laughed when Dan had reacted to the surprise part. ‘God he must really hate surprises.’ Phil thought to himself, he made sure the tickets were in his pocket from his jacket that he left in his suitcase instead of on his back last night. “Don’t worry you are going to love it, I promise.” Phil said with a small smirk on his lips. Dan waved it off and got into the lift with me. We stood in silence and I took in a deep breath, this was weird. Just everything, this day, this boy disguised as a man. He was different, something was just always off and he loved it.

“You know that you stopped my writer’s block.” Phil said to Dan giving a pat on the back, Dan let out a nervous laugh making Phil laugh with him. “You can act normal around me we are practically best friends already.” Dan gave him ‘are you serious’ look. 

“You remind me of snow.” Dan stated turning his head looking straight at the opening door and rushing to get out. “Is it because I’m pretty?” Phil asked laughing and Dan turned straight to Phil almost having their noses touch making Phil’s eyes widen. “No, it’s because,” Dan put his face close to Phil’s ear. “You are annoying and always in my way.”  
Phil’s face scrunched up when Dan started crying from laugh so hard, it wasn’t that funny. Phil just grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the hotel while waving at the nice old lady at the desk goodbye. 

‘Phil’s hands are soft.’ Dan thought to himself and as he trailed behind him. He rushed his way to the side of Phil who was looking at all the buildings lining the street. Dan started to untangled their fingers but it seemed like Phil didn’t want to let go and with a coy smile on his fading lips he asked. “Can we keep holding hands, yours are freezing anyway.” Dan shyly looked down and had his eyes bugging out of his head. “Um yeah, yours are warm anyway.” Dan repeated Phil’s words with the appropriate phrases making them laugh and have Phil squeeze his hand. 

They really didn’t want to walk to the museum but they really didn’t want to spend money on a taxi so they just walked hand in hand. When they got to the museum, they walked in no problem. It had all this amazing art work that slide across the walls, Dan couldn’t even look at the art work when he noticed that the real piece of art was right in front of him. Phil was so into the painting in front of them. It was blue and that was it, it was an inch thick of blue paint which Dan complained about it being boring as hell but Phil didn’t want to leave. Instead of looking at the art he looked at Phil’s blue eyes which deserve to be on that wall instead of that stupid blue sh-

“It reminds me of you.” Phil whispered throwing Dan off, it was just blue and that was it. “It’s an enigma I wish to unwrap.”

After the art museum, they decided that an early dinner was okay. Phil was quiet and it made Dan nervous as hell, Phil never shuts up and now he isn’t talking at all. Their hands were still held together and when Phil stopped at the tiny Italian restaurant Dan’s stomach almost gave out, he was so hungry. There was two flights of stairs they had to walk to get to the restaurant and it was worth every step. They got the only table outside on the small balcony that had fairy lights guiding on the irony bars. Dan blushed when Phil pulled out his chair and pushed him into the table. There were so many things to take in and Dan wanted all of it to soak up in his head. He could tell that Phil’s eyes were on him as he twisted and turned to take in all of the beauty around him. “How did you find this place?” He asked breathlessly. 

“By mistake actually, it was raining and I had to get protection so I ended up running into this building.” Phil explained. “Oh thank god you did.” Dan replied with a bright smile on his face for the first time in a long while. “What is this?” Dan asked more seriously, “Why are we doing this?” 

Phil had the answer already in his head. “You don’t seem to enjoy yourself and I found these tickets online and I wanted to see if I could get you to smile instead of me for once.” Dan opened his mouth to reply but closed it. “I want to know you better; I have noticed if I try to talk to you about your life you just change the subject.” Phil could see the nervousness in Dan’s eyes, no matter how large he smiled or how much he laughed Dan kept himself under lock and key. 

“What do you wanna know then?” Dan was very out there now; it is better to lose someone now than later. “I want to know all of you, your dreams and fears, your favorite color to what you hate the most, I want to know you.” Phil replied. Dan laughed; he didn’t know what to say. Dan never thought of himself as much of a person, just another person who loved sad poetry so much that he became the person people talked about. 

“So is this a date or a goal to use everything I tell you against me?” Dan smiled while asking this question. Phil looked down and shook his head, “I have been waiting all night for you to ask that.”

Dan didn’t say anything about himself at dinner, he said to Phil he would tell him when they got back to the hotel and Phil was perfectly fine with the lie that slipped through Dan’s lips. Phil noticed that Dan didn’t eat much when Phil was around him; he drank water, soda, and coffee around him but never ate. Phil decided not to push it but he knew that he would write that down when he got back to the hotel room.

Dan was so ready for the surprise now, after that amazing dinner Phil he just wanted to know what was happening next. He still couldn’t get a peep out of Phil on what they are doing and Dan just wanted to jump out of his shoes, he has never been this excited in his life. This time Phil said that they would need a taxi and it wasn’t a long one, Dan wanted to pay for it but Phil already had his money out for the driver who grunted at us while we left. 

“Where are we?” Dan whispered; it was a large church that glowed and gleamed brighter than the sun, it was unreal. “Well, there is a famous pianist playing tonight and I was thinking that you would enjoy hearing someone that plays just as amazing as you.”

Dan just launched himself into Phil’s arm; he was hugging so tight that he thought that his heart was going to stop beating. He had this emotion roll over him that just the smell of Phil’s rustic wood like cologne made him feel safe, Phil’s arms wrapped around him and hugged him back. Dan was so happy and he wasn’t sure why but when they walked into the church hand in hand it really felt like it belonged. Dan couldn’t take his eyes off of the pianist and he melted when she played every right note and when the minor sad songs took him away. Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulder and Phil rested his head on Dan’s. 

“Thank you Phil for existing.” ”Thank you for breathing when you didn’t want too.”  
Dan felt something drop in his body and he knew that it was his heart. 

~*/|\\*~

It was too easy to tell Phil everything about himself when they got back to the hotel; Phil had his hand on Dan’s waist when they walked in making the old lady at the desk smile brightly. When they got into the lift, Dan turned and had his body pressed against Phil’s. He felt like he needed to be as close to him as possible, Phil was warm and Dan was a snow storm. Phil has wrapped both of his arms around Dan’s waist and move side to side lightly holding Dan as tightly like Dan was going to break into pieces, which was semi-true at that moment. Dan wanted to fall apart for the first time in front of someone, he wanted to feel support for once but he didn’t want to scare away the first person he had trusted in a long time. When the lift opened, Phil let go of Dan and grab his hand to hold it as they walked to the hotel room. Dan had unlocked the door and moved slowly into the room, Phil followed. They hadn’t talked since the middle of the piano concert, it felt perfectly normal though. Both were comfortable in the silence they had created around themselves. Dan had led Phil to his bed he had taken over in the hotel and sat him down, Dan didn’t really care anymore about how Phil would react to his movements so he sat on Phil’s crossed legs wrapping his own around Phil’s waist. Dan had his head down on Phil’s shoulder and his arms hanging loosely around his neck. Phil didn’t seem to flinch and he wrapped his arms around Dan’s body bring him even closer. Their bodies melted together and their breath became one, Dan’s head nuzzled into the crook of Phil’s neck breathing in his smell. 

“This is what heaven is.” Dan spoke so quiet that Phil barely caught the words from the air. “I want to show you who I am. I want you to see the mess you are getting involved with.”

Phil’s eyes opened as Dan lifted his head from his neck making it become chilled. Dan wasn’t a mess, he just couldn’t share things about himself and that is okay but Dan had started to go to his button-up and started undoing the buttons, Phil caught Dan’s hands shaking his head.

“Oh stop, it’s not like that.” Dan giggled a tad, but his voice was shaking. Phil nodded and let go, he could see Dan’s fingers shake and he giggled a little too. “Do you, you want me to do the rest?” Phil asked calmly, Dan’s eyes widen and he bit his lip nervously as he nodded his head.

Phil’s fingers played with the buttons, unbuttoning one by one making sure to touch Dan’s smooth skin, when he got to the last button he looked up at Dan when he undid it. Almost like they both knew what would happen next, Phil slid off Dan’s shirt and Dan just kept his head down. He couldn’t look into Phil’s eyes when he heard the small gasp go through his lips. Phil could count them, one, two, three of Dan’s ribs poked out of his skin, he ran his hands down them making Dan to take in a deep breath. Phil soon enough got to Dan’s back where he could feel his spine jag out of his skin too, Dan was starving himself. 

“Why?” was all Phil could say without his voice breaking. “I never meant for this to happen. You have to believe me on that, it just. It just happened.” Dan whispered.

“It all started when I moved and I could barely pay for rent so I had to ration my food, but when I finally was able to pay for the bills and the food I never stopped. I knew it was affecting me but I didn’t want to stop. I had always felt huge growing up and when I was one rib I thought maybe I can get two then three. It was like a contest that I couldn’t stop. I didn’t eat and I felt sick when I did because I got used to not eating.” Dan was falling apart by the end; he had thrown himself back on Phil and cried quietly on his shoulder.

“Oh Dan, it’s okay. I believe you. You are going to get better and I will help you, I promise my soul on that. I will be there for you while you fix yourself.” Phil whispered rubbing the tan skin on his back. Dan nodded and held on tighter to Phil. “Let’s get you and I dressed for bed, okay?” Dan didn’t say no but he didn’t say yes either. Phil had detached himself from Dan who looked ashamed of himself. Phil picked Dan’s head up and kissed his cheek. “Don’t look like that please.” He whispered against his cheek. Phil let go and walked to Dan’s backpack and pulled out the black sweatpants and black band t-shirt that he had worn last night. He gave them to Dan and turned his back so Dan could just change there, when he felt a tug on his button-up he knew that Dan was done. Phil picked up Dan’s other clothes and put them in his bag, then he went to his and grabbed his own sweats and t-shirt. He could tell Dan’s back was to him so he changed fast. Dan had himself wrapped in the duvet already and had his back to Phil making him sigh. 

‘This paper is going to be hard to write than I thought.’ 

“I’m a law school dropout too.” Dan added in before yawning and snuggling into his blankets, Phil looked at him again and shook his head. ‘A lot harder.’ 

Dan wanted to add more and more on what he was but decided not to, the one he wanted to utter the most is that he was in love for the first time, and he was in love with him.

“Dan wake up.” Cooed a voice in his ear, Dan smiled to himself and turned over to look into Phil’s eyes. Phil kissed his nose and got a giggle out of Dan’s perfect lips. Phil moved his head to kiss him and Dan didn’t stop him, he wrapped his arms around Phil and smiled into the kiss. It was slow and lazy but filled with love and care for each other. Phil pulled Dan so close that their skin touched, Dan wrapped his free leg around Phil. “God Phil, I love you so much.” Dan mumbled against Phil’s mouth. Phil stiffened and pushed Dan away laughing.

“You, love me? You, Dan Howell, the law school dropout because he ‘hated the thought of being a lawyer’.” Dan’s eyes widen this wasn’t like Phil. “What are you sa-“

“The one who has to rely on me and my money so he can eat even though he doesn’t” “Ph-“ “Why am I even here, I just want to for one fun night because no one else is as pathetic as you, to actually believe I am in love with you when you mean nothing. You disgust me you know, not eating like the freak you are and still being a fat pig who just sits on the couch and cries himself to sleep three nights of the week.”

Phil wouldn’t stop talking; Dan’s eyes were watering as Phil got out of the bed and pulling on his boxers then pants and shirt. “At least I got what I wanted, your body and secrets. Thank you again Dan, you have been a life saver.” Phil smirked at him throwing his leather jacket on the back of his shoulder.

“Stop, Phil this isn’t like y-“ “I’m a writer, what do you expect? This is me, just like your father. He was right you know your mother was a piece of shit.”

“Stop it Phil.” “Aw, you are crying, how pathetic. I wasted my time on you and I still have nothing to write about, you weren’t even a good fuck to be honest.” Phil shrugged as he left.

“Stop!” Phil’s eyes left his papers he was writing on to look over to see Dan jolt up from his head with beads of sweat dripping from his face. His eyebrows scrunched together in confusion before he heard a sob come out of Dan’s lips and his hands covering his face. Dan looked so small and you could notice that he was shaking lightly. Phil threw his papers from his bed and he rushed his way to Dan.

“Dan, Dan are you okay, shit of course you aren’t, but look at me. Look at me please, Dan.” Phil sat on Dan’s bed and he squeaked a little backing away from Phil, making him more confused. “Dan whatever it was, it was a dream. Come here, come on.” Phil cooed to the younger man in front of him. Dan’s hands left his face and they were shaking so much and his eyes were red on his blotched face. Dan didn’t want to move any closer to Phil, Jesus fuck he didn’t even want to breathe. He ran his hands threw his hair once more and looked back up at Phil who’s eyes were on him with his arms out a tad to hold Dan.

‘A dream.’ Dan thought when he moved himself close to Phil, he hoped that Phil would just take the hint that he didn’t want to move any closer to him but Phil sat there with his legs crossed. He looked so worried, his eyebrows were raised and his glasses were slipping off of his face but Dan could tell that he didn’t want to make any sudden movements to scare him.

Was Dan scared of Phil? No, he never will be able to be scared of him, but was he frightened by the dream. Of course he was, but that wasn’t Phil. This is Phil right in front of him. The Phil who wears cute light blue sweats and a colorful t-shirt that hung beautifully on his shoulders down his chest, the Phil who makes Dan’s heart beat with a meaning, the Phil who has the most amazing crystalize blue eyes that looked gorgeous in the moon light, sun, and the badly lit hotel room they were staying in. 

Dan wanted to escape Phil’s body when he pulled him into his arms. He pushed a little but Phil wouldn’t move. Phil was as solid as a rock while Dan was wave of emotion that came and gone through the days. Phil deserved all the money in the world when Dan deserved nothing but the clothes on his back. It would never work; the smiling happy sun with the depressed rain cloud. He would pull him down, he would have all his happiness leave his body and become just like him. Dan didn’t want that, he wanted Phil to be with someone who deserved him. Dan didn’t deserve anything. 

“Phil, why are you still here? You came for my music playing but now I am wrapped around you once again instead of the music.” Dan said emotionlessly, Phil took in a deep breath and didn’t speak. 

“No matter what you think or what you say to yourself, I care about you more than I ever thought. To be honest after the first night I wasn’t actually sure if I would go back to the church. I thought that was the end but every time I walked passed it I had to stop by for ten or twenty minutes hoping I could see you again, I told myself that all I wanted was the music, which was true at first but when I saw you play I knew you were more than a pianist in a shutdown church. You were a person who needed a friend. I needed you too.” Phil looked into Dan’s eyes that were less red now and he couldn’t help but put Dan on his lap and put his hands on his thighs telling Dan to wrap his legs around his waist once again. Phil put his hands on the small of Dan’s back and pushed his chest onto his. Dan gasped and eyes as wide as a baby deer’s he was shocked.

“Please let me kiss you.” Phil’s lips skimmed across Dan’s ear. “Let me show you I care.” 

Phil placed his forehead on Dan’s, he could feel Dan’s heart racing and Dan just stared into Phil’s eyes. It wasn’t like this was going to be his first kiss. He had been drunk enough to kiss at a bar and not regret a thing but this is the first time it mattered. Something mattered in Dan’s life that lived and breathed. All he had was his piano and now he has this man in front of him taking his breath away with every single touch. Was he ready? No, but did he really care? Not anymore. With a nod of his head, Phil leaned in and took Dan’s first kiss that made his heart jump. 

It was soft, Dan put his fingers in Phil’s hair and tugged lightly on it. Phil tried even harder to get Dan closer to him but that would mean that they would actually have to become one body. They were so tightly wrap together that even when they would break apart breathing would be hard. Dan didn’t want it to stop, his heart beated so fast that he felt like he was going to explode. Phil detached their lips and Dan let out a shaky sigh. Dan didn’t take any time away though; he put his lips back on Phil’s surprising him a little. Dan sighed against Phil’s lips and Phil started leaning Dan back on his bed, both of the boys were flushed and couldn’t get enough of each other, but when Phil’s lips landed on Dan’s neck he knew he wasn’t ready just yet.

“Stop. Please.” Dan gasped out, his eyes were closed waiting for Phil to get angry but he never did. Silently, Phil smiled at him and started to get off of the bed. “No no, stay please.” Dan pulled on Phil’s shirt having him fall next to him on the small full bed. Dan rested his head on Phil’s chest when both of them were comfy under the duvet, Phil kissed the top of his head and tangled their legs together. Both of them slept through the night with no worries after that. 

End of Part One.


	2. part two

Part Two

~*/|\\*~

And that was it, it’s been around a week and half since Dan talked or even seen Phil and he was perfectly okay with that. They ended up going home early Thursday morning before the sun hit the sky to produce the glowing colors of the sunrise. Phil really wanted to stay longer but after he told Dan that he had a final’s project due in a couple of weeks Dan forced him to pack all his clothes up and check out, Dan was not going to be the reason why Phil failed his project and get him kicked out of school. Now because of time passing that means the project was due at midnight tonight. The ride back home was peaceful though, Dan had his head on Phil’s shoulder the whole time which abled him to hear the soft heart beats in his chest. Dan liked to listen to the people around him, just to get a new perspective on life and other problems people had to face that Dan would never see in his, but then he remembered an issue he would have to deal with. His job, Dan’s eyes widen with horror like his life was flashing before his eyes. He decided not to call in or anything and that is probably the most dumbass thing he has done in his whole life which is saying a shit load. 

“I didn’t call in for work.” Dan mumbled putting his hands on his face after he leaned off of Phil’s shoulder. “I lost it, he is going to fire me. Why didn’t I just call in like any normal person?” His voice was muffled but Phil could understand him completely. Phil remembered when he got fired from his first job which was at the local library, “Hey, at least you didn’t get fired for accidently hitting someone with a book and knocking them out.” Phil muttered but had a positive smile on his face to try to cheer up Dan. He could see the corners of his mouth lift up and hear his little laugh making Phil’s smile grow larger knowing that he was successful on operation make Dan smile because he is in love with his happiness. They sat in silence, Dan remembered looking out the window waiting for Phil to come over for the big day ahead them, the silence was short lived until Phil nudged him. Dan looked up into his eyes feeling his heart drop another thirty floors and raised his eyebrows showing Phil that he can ask the question that hung low in his eyes.

“Would you consider asking your manager if you could, I don’t know, play your piano in there?” “Okay Phil that could ne-“

“Hear me out, please Dan.” Phil whispered looking down. Dan closed his mouth into a thin line while rolling his eyes. Phil pulled out his phone and plugged in his headphones that he would wear around his neck making him look punk especially when he wore his leather jacket that hugged him more perfectly than Dan did. “Listen to this, it is perfect and I know you can play it. I know nothing about music, but it doesn’t sound too hard and you can do anything. Also you work at a restaurant and people love live music because it is romantic. You could get someone to play the violin or whatever instrument is playing in the background.”

Dan brushed his finger on the play button and heard the calming piano keys flow over him, it was a beautiful piece, not too fast, not too slow. The piano had the melody most of the time which Dan enjoy immensely and the violin and cello that played lightly in the background fit all the wholes the piano missed, the piece fit together almost just as well as Dan’s favorite shoes. Dan could feel himself get lost in the tune and tap his foot to the beat then slowly sway against Phil. He could feel Phil’s eyes on him and he looked up, he would love to be able to play in front of people. He really would.

“Phil,” Dan sighed taking the ear phones out and pushing them back into Phil’s chest holding his hands there for a second or two. “It is beautiful and I really may learn how to play it, but just for you. You remember how I reacted when you first heard me play. I had a heart attack, I could never be able to play in front of others. I can’t take the opinions.”

“Pretend it is just me sitting right next to you,” Phil grabbed both of Dan’s hands in his own and Dan looked away. “Your hands can do amazing things Dan, it is time to show the world that.”

Dan hugged Phil while he stood in his door step of his apartment and took in a deep breath of his smell, Phil spoke to Dan about how he had to get typing and editing his story for university and Dan totally understood. When he waved Phil goodbye and closed the door, reality finally hit him. 

Dan told Phil everything, his shoulders dropped and he almost fell to the floor. He dragged himself through his apartment and when he looked in every room he would have a flash back to Phil and him doing something stupid. The kitchen and the awkward coffee conversation then the living room when they couldn’t get enough of Death Note. Finally his bedroom, it was dim and dark. Dan’s covers where still in the position Phil left them in the morning before they left later that day, Dan crawled in them not bothering to take his clothes off, he was lost. He was so fucking lost. He wanted to slow everything down, but it was already too late for that. Dan always knew that he wore his heart on his sleeve, he always got too attached way too fast and he could never stop himself from falling in love. He could see a man and his wife or girlfriend walk into the restaurant and when he first hears the man’s voice he would just fall into a messy puddle of love, even with people walking on the other side of the street. Now here he was stuck in the ditch he had dug himself. How could he do that, to someone he could never really fully trust, to someone who will be successful in life while Dan will be the disappointment child his whole life. The person that had so much ahead of him but got stuck on the wrong path. Dan was a screw up, hopeless while Phil was making something of himself. He was an amazing writer and he had it going for him then soon enough Dan would become a distant memory, but that is what Dan was. He was the person that would be there until you found someone better, making them joyful and light and Dan empty once again. Dan hugged his pillow and didn’t move for the rest of the day, he couldn’t lie anymore he was terrified of falling in love. Yet once again, it was just a little too late to stop it from happening. It already did.

A couple days after, Dan decided that his five stages of grieving had passed and now he dwelled on going to the restaurant and asking his boss about the playing in there. Dan would probably have to hall in the piano from the church there which he hated the thought of but even seeing his boss again could be a god awful idea too. Dan could just imagine the short fat man’s face becoming redder than a tomato and cussing him out until he was out of the restaurant. He needed a job and the faster he knows he lost the job the better. With a deep breath and a sip of his now room temperature coffee that was in-between his sweater pawed hands, Dan picked up his phone and dialed the number of the restaurant. He wanted to call Phil first but he knew that he was busy.

“Hello? Dan is that you?” Dan was shocked when he heard the concerned voice that barely sounded like his manager, was he high or something? “Um, yeah it’s Dan. Sorry that I wasn’t at work, I was having um a personal problem.” He mumbled into the phone wanting to hang up right then and there. He heard a sigh and a laugh making Dan feel a light less nervous. “I thought you were dead or something, good thing you aren’t bec-“ Dan stopped him while he was speaking which he started to regret but ignored it for the moment. 

“Actually, I was wondering because I am a shit waiter anyway maybe, umm I don’t know. I would just like to.” “Spit it out already Dan.” Dan’s boss spoke sounding more like himself, he was just probably happy that one of his employees wasn’t dead so he wouldn’t have to deal with all the paper work and money. 

“Can I play the piano in your restaurant, I have the piano already and I would do anything to be able to.” Dan spoke so fast he barely heard himself, in all honesty he was hoping that he would say no because he still wasn’t sure if he was ready to actually perform in front of someone that wasn’t Phil. It was silent for a couple of seconds, “You good?” “I have been told I am, sir.” Dan replied calmly even thought it was eating him from the inside out. “Well, you are a shit waiter, I will give you one shot, kid. Now I have a business to run, you got a week. Bye.”

Dan sat there in silence wondering if he should be jumping for joy or crawling right back to bed and mourn some more over something stupid, but he could feel his heart beat a little fast and lighter than before. He smiled to himself and went straight to his laptop, pulling up the song Phil had found on the train day’s before. Suddenly, everything was falling together perfectly for the first time in years and Dan was finally able to take his first breath that didn’t make him choke.

That is where he is today, Dan had sent Phil a text message the day his manager told him that he was able to try out and with all the playful banter Dan finally let Phil take him to the restaurant. Dan wanted Phil to work on his beautiful piece of art, but Phil said that he wanted to be by his side when he played. Phil and him walked down to the restaurant and Dan kept saying that they had to get the piano first but Phil paid no attention to him making him a little pissed off, they walked silently until they reached the building where Dan just looked up, He had been practicing all week and was able to memorize it so all he had was his memory, his hands, and Phil. He started to doubt himself and just stood there while Phil had walked to the door ready to open it for him. “You ready?” Phil asked, his voice was soothing and held a positive sound in the air, Dan shook his head a little. His breath was caught in his throat once again and all he wanted to do was run away, but he knew he couldn’t. Dan was prepared and the only thing that was stopping him was the thought of rejection, he shouldn’t be terrified he has been rejection his whole life, it wouldn’t be anything different. Dan knew exactly why he was terrified, he didn’t want Phil to see Dan as a failure, he wanted Phil to see him something more than he thought of himself. Dan thought of himself as useless and hopeless and all he wanted was Phil to see a little more than what meets the eye. “If you don’t want to do this, it is perfectly okay Dan, if you want more time playing in front of me that is okay. Don’t do this for me, I want you do to everything for yourself with me right by your side.” Phil said walking back to Dan picking up his hands and brings them to his lips, that was their new intimate thing that they did to calm each other down. Dan smiled and shook his head at that, this isn’t just for him now, it is for Phil too. Phil is a part of his life and he wanted to do everything not just for himself now, he wanted everything for Phil.

“It is time to move on.” Dan said grabbing Phil’s warm hand in his while pulling him into the entrance of the building. 

Dan was almost in tears by the end, not only did Phil buy him a piano to put into the building without telling him, but he had recorded Dan playing when he didn’t know which Dan’s boss had already heard so when Dan would play a wrong note his boss never hissed at him to stop. Phil sat next to Dan threw out the whole song, looking at his face and seeing how cute he looked when he was focused. It wasn’t stereotyped, he didn’t bit his lip or have his face scrunched up. He looked very calm, but yet again with everything else with Dan he held all his emotions in his eyes. Every time he hit a high note right his eyes would flicker a bright golden brown then slowly fade away and it was one of the most beautiful things Phil had ever seen. Dan would crack his neck once in a while and Phil would silence his giggle and would love it every time when Dan smiled content with his playing. Dan was happy with how he played because when Phil heard his breathing and eyes after he played, they were alive. This is who Dan is, Dan is himself every time when he plays the piano and Dan thinks to himself ‘I would never felt like this without you.’

Dan fell head over heels in love with Phil that day and this is actually the first time he didn’t care, he would say he didn’t care all the time but soon regret it but Dan never wanted to regret it. They didn’t care how long they have known each other or even know what their hopes and dreams were, all they knew when they stumbled into Phil’s apartment kissing and nipping each other’s lips laughing at themselves. They wanted each other so much that nothing in the world existed except them. “Oh my god, Phil.” Dan sighed against Phil’s chapped lips in between kisses, Phil’s lips were heaven. Dan felt needed when Phil’s lips were attached to his, he felt like he was giving life to someone else. Dan thought his body was on fire, every place Phil touched felt like a spark. Dan felt the butterfly kisses on his neck and he felt like he still couldn’t get enough. Phil’s bed was soft and when Dan feel on top of it he took in the smell of Phil feeling like it was the smell of home. Soon enough with each strip of clothing gone, Dan wasn’t afraid. “I love you.” Dan whispered with his eyes shut closed tightly. Phil was silent, but Dan never wanted to take those words back. With another peak on the lips before Dan became Phil’s completely, Phil whispered in his ear. “I am hopeless devoted to my piano beauty.” 

‘Fuck moving too fast, fuck not going to school, fuck society for twisting love making to so much hard then it actually is, fuck it. I am in love with Phil Lester, the stupid boy from university, the stupid writer, the stupid boy with crystalized eyes, the stupid boy that stole me completely.’ Dan thought as he saw Phil leave his bed covering Dan up tightly in the sheets. “I smell like sweat.” “No, you smell like home.” 

Phil smiled back at Dan, but something was just a little off but Dan didn’t dare to dwell on it. He was dazed and tired, Phil had to edit his last page then send it in tonight and Dan just smiled. Phil Lester, the person he could call home. 

Everyone knows that there is something called the last good day then most people put that with death. Right before everything goes downhill, well the last good day can go with anything. Dan remembers that as the last good day and as he bits his lip and punches his mirror one more time he wished it all way. He wished away Phil walking up to the church two months ago. He wished away the piano concert he took him to. He wished away the night at the hotel. That stupid hotel. Dan looked in the broke mirror and wanted to scream and pull his hair out. Dan blamed it all on Phil, it was all his fault, but deep down inside Dan knew it was him. It was his own fault that he hit rock bottom, but it was Phil’s fault for him loathing that only thing that gave him comfort, his piano. 

~*/|\\*~

Dan had to drag Phil out of his apartment, he hasn’t left his place in the last three days all Phil had been doing is sitting in front of his laptop refreshing his grades waiting for his short story to pop up. It had been killing Dan seeing Phil so anxious over something, he had the right to tap his fingers numb and run his hands through his hair until it was greasy but it worried him needless to say. Dan remembered when he took his finals for law school and he was exactly the same. The grades drove him crazy, he couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat, no pun intend. Dan never had someone to relax with and he didn’t want Phil to get too stressed out because of the story. Dan went to Phil’s apartment and knocked on the door, it almost looked like no one was home. The lights were off and you could hear nothing well until you heard a smash then a string of cusses followed by it making Dan laugh. Phil opened the door and he just had a plain black t-shirt on and a pair of dark jeans, his black hair was pushed back and his big glasses hung low on his nose. Dan smiled lightly, he could see the blue and purple bags under his eyes and his face scrunch up because it was probably the first time he had seen the light in days. When Phil finally was able to left his face up and flinched because of the harsh lighting from the sun, Dan could see something in Phil’s eyes. He seemed pained, like he was going to be sick to his stomach. 

“Phil, you all right? I haven’t seen you since.” Dan gulped and looked down a tad embarrassed to be honest. “I haven’t seen you since that night and I wanted to see if you got your grades in and if you were doing all right?” Dan itched behind his ear where Phil had bruised his skin only days earlier, Phil smiled back at him and pushed open his door before saying anything. “Yeah, I got the grade a little after one yesterday.” Phil said closing the door, Dan walked in and took off his shoes making himself at home. He turned around fast after Phil said that. “Why didn’t you tell me? What did you get!” Dan asked excited for the answer, but it still sat in the back of his mind on why Phil didn’t tell him.  
Phil went into the kitchen and sat on one of his bar stools where all his papers laid, he cleaned them up and spoke softly, “I got a ninety-three percent on it.” Dan’s eyes widen, that is fantastic, he smiled widely and he clapped his hands together, if anyone could ace a final, it would be Phil. “You had nothing to worry about, romance and angst writing can’t be that difficult.” Dan spoke giddy, he sat next to Phil and tried to help him organize his papers but got his hands swatted away while Phil laughed saying that he could clean it up and that Dan was the guest. Phil piled all the papers in his arms and walked to his bedroom throwing them in there then closing the door.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the grade, I knew you were nervous about it and I was getting worried.” Dan joked around and Phil shrugged his shoulders. “I didn’t want to worry you, you had your first performance at the restaurant and that is worth worrying about more.” Phil said grabbing Dan’s hands. “How did it go?”

Dan was nervous as hell, he had a red tie on with a white button up on with a pair of black jeans, he had a shit load of papers in his hands that started to sweat. He was going to play for an hour to see how the crowd would enjoy it. Dan had sent videos of him playing the songs to Phil right before and Phil said that the crowd of people would have to be crazy if they didn’t fall head over heels in love with his playing skills. With that, Dan walked out to the piano and a few people clapped. It was right in the middle of the restaurant where everyone could see him making his eyes dart around hoping that he knew no one there. Dan pulled out his long stool and sat door shifting his music in place then brushing his fingers against the keys. 

“It went well.” Dan said leaning against him, “It would probably been better if you were there though.” He said softly, “I’m sorry that I didn’t come.” Dan just shrugged, he wasn’t going to lie but he was a little disappointed when Phil said that he couldn’t go. “It’s okay, hey why don’t you go to the store and buy your favourite vodka and we can celebrate your paper and my piano skills.” Dan looked up into Phil’s eyes with puppy dog eyes. Phil laughed and rolled his eyes, he kissed Dan’s nose and pushed him lightly off of him. 

“Okay, fine.” Dan smiled even wider which started to hurt his face, he has never been this happy. “I will clean up a little to for you. Now go before it gets too dark out, you foul.” Dan said pushing Phil to the door and handing him his leather jacket. 

When Dan was alone in Phil’s apartment, he did what he said he was going to do. He started cleaning up, in Phil’s bedroom. Every time Dan asked to read some of the paper Phil would just say that it was dumb and he was going to get a bad grade on it, that it didn’t really matter and he didn’t want to waste Dan’s time. Now Dan knew that it had to be amazing, Phil was amazing at writing. He remembers the little poems that were in the margins of his binder when they first talked in the coffee shop at three in the morning. Dan took in a deep breath and sighed happily, Phil threw all his papers in his room so it had to be in there. Even if he sent it in over his laptop he knew Phil, he would have a hard copy to so he could read through it. 

He sat on his bed, blushing a little but shook his head, he has a mission to do before Phil gets back and it is to find, read, and gush over it when Phil gets back. He started to separate all the single papers and try to find something stapled together. Phil liked to put dates on things so Dan looked at the dates to see the ones closest to the date now. Dan had his lip in between his teeth when he finally found it, it wasn’t too long. Around thirty pages he guessed and when he read the title he knew it was going to be breathless, A New Sound by Phil Lester.

Phil walked his way to the grocery store with his hands in his pockets, he could see his breath in the cold December air and he looked to the sky at the stars and moon that started to peak out in the sunsetting light. The sky was beautiful tonight, it was on fire with oranges and pink and when Phil stopped to look in the other direction the pink slowly became a purple then a dark blue to black. His heart was low and he felt sick ever since he had sent in his paper, he never meant for any of this to happen. Never meant for Dan become this large in his life, and god he loved him so much. It was eating him alive though. He entered into the grocery store that had only a couple people in, he went to the liquor section and got some Grey Goose vodka and some cheap knock off coke product then he went and got some pasta and sauce to make for dinner for the both of them. Phil knew he was a shit cooker but Dan was halfway decent so Phil was pretty positive that they could figure out how to make something as simple as pasta. 

He paid for it then put in his ear phones to listen to some of Dan’s piano playing. He started his way back home where he could see Dan once more, his beautiful eyes and his perfect hugs. Phil was so in love with him it was scary, it was scary what he could do though. Phil was starting to hate his writing abilities, it was all lies and that was terrifying how he could just lie so easily on a piece of paper. He looked down at his feet with every step he took and stayed silent all the way home, he didn’t bother to say hi to anyone who passed by or even look up when he got to his door. Phil was still listening to his music when he opened the door and his eyes closed, but when he lifted his head his heart dropped. 

“Phil, what is this?”

Phil put the groceries on the ground and his hands shook when he pulled out his ear phones that still played piano softly. He couldn’t speak nor did he want to, his breath was caught in his throat and his hands were sweating. Dan didn’t speak, they just stared straight into each other’s eyes. Dan’s were completely empty and held something Phil never wanted to see, nothing. No emotions were in Dan’s eyes, he was feeling absolutely nothing. Dan’s jaw was clenched tight, but his lips trembled. Phil’s eyes trailed down to Dan’s hands that held the thing he wanted to burn the most. He tried to take a step forward but Dan put one hand out and took a step back. Dan swallowed making the silence go away for a second; he took in a deep breath and let it shake out of his lungs making Phil cringe. The air was so thick that he didn’t want to breathe it in thinking that it would poison him. 

“Page three,” Dan began to speak, he held no emotion in his voice but a cold star burned into Phil’s skin. “Paragraph two, he talked to the piano like it was an actually person. I am not going to lie, but it creepied me out a ton, it was like the thing mattered more than human existence.” Phil looked away, he shifted his weight on another foot.

“Page four, paragraph three, he was pathetic, he couldn’t even breath without wanting to die the next minute. I would never be able to take care of a mess like that, I had a life to live without worrying about his death hanging over me when I was in class or out with friends.” Phil just wanted to belt out to Dan that it was just him writing, that it wasn’t him, but that would be a lie. It was based off of him.

“Page ten, paragraph one,” Dan’s voice cracked. “He showed me his bones that jetted out of his skin, he was all skin and bone and it took everything in me to not run away and throw up. How could someone do that to themselves, it made me sick to my stomach.” 

“Page twelve, he believed that I cared about him.” “Page fifteen, he told me that he loved me.” Dan went on and on with things Phil wrote and every time he would bring something up it made Phil’s stomach twist and his heart ache. It wasn’t true, it was a story but that is what writers do. They say everything they write is fiction and that is bullshit, Phil knew that Dan wouldn’t take that answer. Then when Dan finally got to the last page he closed his eyes and laughed a little. 

“The last sentence says, I told him that I would stay but I never looked into his eyes again. So Phil, this is the story that you got an A plus on. This is why you never called back.” Dan sneered at him, Phil’s eyes widen and he shook his head. This is not happening, not now please god not now. “Dan, it is just a story I promise.” He pleaded to Dan putting all his emotion into his eyes just like Dan would do.

“You told me that you loved how I moved with the piano now you call me a psychopath because I was in love with a piano more than you. I’m sorry that when I wanted to die that a fucking instrument was there when no one else would blink an eye.” Dan growled, his eyes only had tears in them but he wiped his face and threw the story to the ground.

“I’m so sorry that I can’t be normal and that I can’t eat like a normal human being because if I could I would but you wouldn’t get it because you just don’t understand.” Dan’s voice was like ice, it pierced through Phil’s lungs knocking the breath out of him once more. 

“Dan, I never meant for this to happen, it isn’t me talking it is just a ch-“

“Don’t bullshit me anymore Phil.” Dan screamed finally crying, his voice was rough and Phil could hear his heart break. “I am tired of hearing that ‘it is just a character’ bullshit, my father did that to my mom all the time and look where she is. She is six feet underground, Phil, because of that so don’t talk so big. Did you just think that you could use me for inspiration because you didn’t have a shit life to write off of? That you think you could just walk into my life and fucking up the thing that meant most to me.” His voice was getting quiet and eerie.

“Did you just think that you could tell me you loved me then leave?” Dan croaked out, Phil took a step forward. “No, Phil, this isn’t going to be one of those things that you can grab my hands and say everything is alright. How could you be so heartless, how could you tell me everything from how amazing my laugh was to how beautiful I looked underneath you, how could you just turn out so cold. This is all your fault.” He mumbled with his hands on his forehead as his whole body trembled.

“I loved you.” No god no, you still love Dan please you still love me, Phil had his mind racing a mile a minute. “I honestly loved you more than the sun on my skin and the piano keys on my fingertips. Now, you ruined everything.” Dan walked up to Phil and put his hand on his face with his head to the floor, his lips in a straight line. “I loved you so much that I still can’t even hurt you.” Dan whisper was cold and homeless to what Dan is actually. 

“Don’t call.” Shit, Dan I need you a lot more than you think I need just as much as you need me I promise on my blackened soul and cracked nails. “Don’t mutter my name in your sleep or knock on my door. Don’t see my face in a puddle after the rain or feel my touch when you find someone new.”

Dan’s hand fell to his side and looked straight into his eyes and his teeth bore out. “Don’t you ever show up at the church again because heaven and hell knows I won’t be there.” Dan pushed out of Phil’s way and when Phil grabbed his wrist the just snapped it right out of his grasp. Dan slammed the door closed and Phil dropped to his knees and bashed his fist to the ground. He would never be able to kiss his perfect smooth lips or listen to him play live, never hear his laugh when he brought him coffee, or hear his moans when they made love. He would never see the happiness in his eyes or hear the words I love you, and that made Phil hate himself for the first time in his life.  
Dan ran with tears in his eyes and sobs in his throat, his hands shook as he put in his keys into the door and cried it when he got in. He hated Phil, he hated how true Phil was and he hated how he saw Dan for what he really was. Dan said he blamed Phil for everything but when he slammed his fist into the mirror that his reflection was shown as he cried out. Not because of the pain but because of how right Phil was. 

‘That is what you get for fall in love with a writer. The pain and pleasure of love and fall apart once again.’

When Dan looked back in the mirror he saw that he had hit rock bottom, not because he wanted to die but because he was still in love with the fucking stupid Uni writer. 

~*/|\\*~

‘What am I doing with my life?’ Phil thought to himself as he stared at the ceiling for hours on end after he walked to the church even when he forcefully told that if he went there he would sort of be killed in a way, it’s been hard though. It’s been really hard, it seemed like every waking moment was a tragedy; a never ending sad song that you couldn’t get away from. It was even worse when he had to go out because it was Christmas time so the little town was decorated with sparkling lights and beautiful rich green Christmas trees which would remind him of Dan and when his eyes would light up. Then Phil would walk around looking into all the book stores to find something to get himself for Christmas then think about what Dan did for Christmas. Did he have a tree that he put up in his apartment? Did he have candles that lit their way through the halls having everything turn into a soft smell of Christmas spirit? Did he enjoy Christmas? Did he have anyone for Christmas? 

Phil was looking at a section that was called paranormal romance which sounded like fan made stories. That made Phil laugh then think about what Dan would say. He would probably say something smart like, ‘holy shit, its fifty shades of grey but in space.’ or ‘Star Trek gone wild.’ Phil turned around then looked over his shoulder at the rows of books. Dan deserve that many books about him in his life, Dan deserves the world. 

Phil continued shopping but started to get a little more upset on how every time he would see something it would just spark something in his mind about Dan. Especially when he walked passed a music store. He had to go in, he was involved with the arts and he felt drawn in, classical music felt like home now to him which was probably the most depressing thing in his life. Phil couldn’t stop playing the piano records that Dan made, it would remind him of Dan moving to the beat and that tiny cracks he would make in his neck and how he smiled the widest when he play, it made everything feel like it was patched up. That the china Dan was made up of was sealed and you couldn’t see the cracks that Phil had caused, it was his fault. Dan was right, it was Phil’s fault. He took all of Dan’s secret information and threw it in a story for a final assessment for university like it was nothing when it was everything. Phil couldn’t believe how cruel he was, what kind of person do that. He loved him and then he did that, what does that say about a person. Phil sighed heavily as he passed the piano music section; he had been in this store for the fifth time this week. This is the place where he went shopping for the piano for Dan to put in the restaurant and he wonder if it was still there. Did Dan sell the one he got him for a new one? Did he put the one from the church in there? Did he even play anymore? That made Phil sick once more, the thought of making Dan never want to play that gorgeous instrument made Phil want to pull his hair out and swallow his lungs, it made him want to get drunk out of his wits and fall in a dark alley way and find himself just as lost as Dan. But that still wouldn’t describe it because Dan was never alone, he just thought he was.

Phil couldn’t help himself but look through all the beautiful pieces that he would never hear Dan play for him late at night. Or maybe if they ever moved in together and had a piano of their own to hear him play while Phil would write a child’s book. He didn’t even want to pick up a pen or pencil, he never wanted to write something like that again. Phil didn’t care if he was good at writing it, it tore him apart. He had been picking out most of the music Dan would play would be by the same person, Dustin O’Halloran. He was a god, he wrote some of the most amazing things Phil’s ears ever heard, it was like being wrapped in a warm blanket and put next to a fire with a cup of hot coco or the person you love the most. The funny thing about Phil was that he didn’t want to forget, he never wanted to forget Dan.

Most people after something like this happens to them, they just want them out of their mind but Phil just wants to think about the ‘what ifs’ or the ‘could haves’. Phil was still in love with Dan and he never wanted to let it go, Dan’s touch was rough because of his fingertips being worn down by the piano keys, he was in love with his smooth movements. Just the way he would walk or even stumble over his feet was hilariously graceful. Phil’s fingers ran over the music by O’Halloran and sees one that he never gave Dan, then he remembered why. Phil actually thought they would get to Christmas with being whatever they were. He looked at the music and pulled it out, Fragile N.4. He realized that they never put a label on them, were they actually together, were they consider boyfriends. No they weren’t, Phil just consider himself as Dan’s and Dan as his. He liked that, but that was another could have because it was never more. Phil loved turning the pages of piano music because the paper was so smooth and was easy to flip but when it was put in its place it did not move. 

Phil turned the pages for Dan sometimes, while Dan would get so into his music, he would see Dan move his head up and just like that Phil would know that he needed the page to be turned. Phil enjoyed sitting by his side while he played, he missed it. It was something he never knew he needed until it was gone which was just like an old book or stuffed animal. It was worse than that though, it was like a piece of him was just missing, it felt like half of his heart was missing and that every day it was actually getting harder to breathe then better. He didn’t want breathing to become easier with each day though, he wanted it to become easy when he was back in his arms and Dan was in his. Phil didn’t dare to put the music back on the shelf; he kept it in his hand and bought it. He put in the bag where he bought a book that Dan would enjoy also. He didn’t care how pathetic it seemed but forgetting wasn’t something Phil was going to do. He was going to remember to the fullest because Dan became his only reason for happiness in his world. Like all good things, you never know you need them until they are gone and shit, Phil needed Dan a lot and somehow that put a little light in Phil’s mind and heart. Dan sat at the piano in the restaurant, the lights were dimmed and it had been about ten minutes since it closed. He didn’t dare to actually go to the church, he had been sitting in the restaurant every night for it seemed like years but it had only been days. It was a living nightmare, Dan couldn’t wake up. He actually thought it would be worse though, he thought it would be a constant hatred toward himself and everything in the world but in reality dreaming and being awake was the same. He didn’t feel different, he felt empty. That when he drank his coffee it felt like the hot burning liquid was going down his throat but just disappearing. When he took a shower, Dan didn’t feel the water no matter how cold it was or hot. When he put of clothes he didn’t feel the fabric slip on or off, it was like it was a dream but it wasn’t it was reality because every time he would pinch himself could was able to say ‘fuck’ because that meant how still could feel. 

What hurt the most was when he would go to work and sit on the stool and play out the piano. He didn’t have the guts or the energy to actually get rid of the piano in the restaurant. It was too beautiful and it still meant so much to him which he despised, but with everything else he couldn’t feel his fingertips gently lay on the keys or hear the sweet tunes of the music. Every piece felt like was monotone and it took a whole day of practicing to get used to the noiseless sounds of the instrument. Dan wasn’t going to lie when he first sat down, he was happy that it was after closing because he fell apart. He slammed his hand on the keys making them cry out with a boom, he could see in the blurred vision that tears dropping on the piano and he closed his eyes yet again wishing everything away.

Dan didn’t hate Christmas, but he didn’t enjoy it exactly either. He disliked it enough to be called a Scrooge and have people give him weird looks. The only thing he actually hated about Christmas was the music and that hated was slowly growing larger and larger every day after his boss told him that it is the season ‘to be jolly’ that he was now forced to play Christmas until the day actually came around. Dan had been searching in the shops with the money account his manager made for music buying to find Christmas music that wasn’t really Christmassy but close enough. Who actually wants to hear Jingle Bells and Frosty the Snowman every waking moment in December, at least there were only a couple of days running up to Christmas. He was searching in Christmas area and found a song very well known, Canon in D minor then some little crappy ones. When he turned around Dan swore to himself he saw that stupid galaxy coat and black hair that he knew so well walk out of the store, making his mind ache and his heart drop and fly at the same exact time.

He sat at the piano now to learn how to play Canon and he knew it was another song that was played for weddings then he thought maybe I could end up as a piano player for weddings. Dan always kinda enjoyed weddings because it was like the last wish for a couple, this is it. Together forever was a cheesy phrase but he liked it because he liked the thought of being with someone forever. Forever is just a stupid word but it is what Dan likes to think about when he doesn’t even feel like he exists. 

“Phil, why did you have to write something so true.” Dan whispered playing the piano softly, he wanted his forever to be with him but Dan doesn’t even know if he wants to be in love. It was stressful, and no doubt hard but it paid off. He felt safe and that he could run to that person for anything. Now he turned over in his bed cold and alone, Phil was his one and only but now here he is sitting at an instrument cold and lonely. He had to get out, maybe go to a bar. Dan put on his jacket that Phil said made him look like a demontor which made him laugh until he cried. He brushed his hair out of his face to the left which Phil would do some times if his hair was falling in front of his face. Phil’s touch was nice and soft, he didn’t have rough fingers like he did because he didn’t play an instrument but they felt different and in the dumbest sounding way, they felt like writer’s hands. The air was cold and thick like Dan’s lungs, it was comforting to feel the air nip and pick on his skin. He locked up shop and walked along the Christmas lights, he started think if he was going to set up the tree this year or not. He didn’t have anyone to share the warmth and smell of Christmas cookies but he still like it even if he was alone. As Dan was walking he was surprised to see a shop open, it was late almost eleven. It was a shop called Orgsnest, he walked in without intentions, might as well he thought. He looked around her and there at all the odd games, like one called Tokaido. Dan picked it up and then he found a large area just selling Sims stuff. 

“Dan Dan Dan, the new Sims game came out today!” Dan heard as Phil ran into the living room from his kitchen, jumping on the couch then falling next to Dan who was in his browsing position. Dan rolled his eyes, he had heard Phil go on and on and on about this game for hours. Phil had all the games and was absolutely obsessed, he even forced Dan to play with him which end around four in the morning after eating a shit ton of Dorito’s then questioning their lives. Dan looked down at the Sims Four game and he knew he wasn’t going home without it. 

Dan paid for the game then started his journey back home which wouldn’t take too long, but he didn’t want to go home. Dan just want to go to the church but he was terrified if Phil would be there. There was something pulling at him though, saying that he had to go to the church. Dan slumped his shoulders forward and walked passed his apartment and went straight to the church. It had always been a long walk to the church but he didn’t care. Dan had his mind wandering and he started to over think his feeling, what if the church is on fire, maybe that is why I need to go? Maybe someone was stealing the piano, what if they are bashing it down tomorrow and putting up tape now. With each thought, he started walking fast until he was at a fast running pace. When he finally got there he realized it was all in his head, the same church was there with no flames licking at the air or smoke choking his lungs. There were no broke entries, and no taped up doors. Dan pushed his way through and remembered every moment with Phil, he put his bag where Phil would usually sit then walked up the stairs to find the light on.

He walked forward to see something on the stool. There was a folder and then a book on top of it with a bow on it and a stick note. “I can take this mistake, but I can’t the ache from heart break. Merry Christmas.” Dan scrunched his eyebrows together and let a tear slip on his cheek. Dan first went to the folder to see a new piece and messy handwriting on it saying ‘I was going to actually make you play this for me on Christmas but here we are and here you go.’ Then he held up the book saying “14,000 Things to be Happy About.” The last zero in 14,000 was crossed out and a one was put in place, Dan flipped to the back of the book and it said. “Let me become your 14,001 once more.”

~*/|\\*~

Dan thought that everything would be normal again but nothing was, it felt like he was falling into avoid of space and it seemed the nights were slowly getting longer and the day were more annoying than people pushing their religions into each other’s faces. Sleeping became a distant memory and it seemed that Dan memorized all the walls and ceilings in his bedroom, he knew every crack and where not to step in the hallway because it made a hollow creek. Now with black bags around neither his eyes as he yawns patting his mouth, he looks into the cabinet and picks up a coffee mug and turns on his coffee maker, it was New Year’s Eve and Dan had to work until one in the morning that night to watch couples of all ages kiss at twelve to see the new year start with the one they loved, Dan almost gagged at the thought. He rolled his eyes and went into his bedroom where he started getting dressed. It was already one in the afternoon he had just been sitting in his bed scrolling through useless tags on Tumblr and re-watching Tyler Oakley videos all night into the earlier afternoon. This was going to be his sixth cup of coffee and he really didn’t give a shit. Dan went through his closet looking at all the black clothes he had; he just wanted to wear his plain white button up and red tie but him not doing laundry did not allow that so he pushed his cracking hands threw the clothes until he found it. He saw the tip of the shirt and Dan pulled it out to look at the beautiful navy blue with constellations across it, his eyes dropped a bit. While holding it he pushed his hair back and threw it on the bed with all the other clothes he said he couldn’t possibly wear. Dan couldn’t help but look back at the shirt to remember once more. Dan liked to remember but sometimes there are things that he needed to let go. 

‘Well,’ he thought biting his lip. ‘I don’t want to let this go.’ Dan picked up the shirt and his favorite pair of his black jeans then brought them into his bathroom to get cleaned up for the night before him. 

Phil had a party to go to with his friend Pj but he has not even had the energy to write let alone move. He had gone through the X-Files at least twice, and watched the fourth season of Doctor Who. He knew that he would have move at some point because Pj made a clear remark that if Phil didn’t go he would be dragged to the bath tub and have ice dumped on him until he said he would go. He made a disgusted face at the clock seeing the hand tick second by second, what is the point of going out when you don’t even want to drink. The only thing that made his mind open up was the knocking of the door. Pj opened the door and walked in to look straight at Phil with a glare in his eyes, he was pissed.

“Phil, why the fuck aren’t you ready?” He hissed out, he walked over to Phil who rolled his eyes to look back at the ceiling. He swallowed hard and didn’t care much at all of what Pj would do; nothing would get him out of his apartment. Pj sat next to Phil and had his elbows on his knees and his hands of his face rubbing his eyes. “I don’t know what to do Phil.” He mumbled, Phil’s eyes lifted and looked at Pj.

“It isn’t only you who is hurting, everyone is worried about you. You haven’t talked to anyone, Cat is furious and I’m worried.” Pj sighed out pushing his hair back. “We just want to help.” Phil knew that they did want to help because he could still see his phone during the middle of the day flash on and off with text messages and missed calls but he didn’t dare to look at his phone after the first week. Every time the phone would flash he jumped up and race to the phone to only see someone that wasn’t Dan to text him. Phil waited for a call from Dan, saying that everything would be okay. That he knew that it was just a mistake, that this isn’t what he wanted. Phil wanted Dan to call and just say to come back. 

It was Phil this time to run his hands down his face, his heart ached more and more each day and It didn’t really even matter if Dan loved him or not because Phil couldn’t stop loving him and he didn’t think he ever could. He was chained to the man with magical fingers that danced along a piano, the man who would yawn with his hands coving his mouth because it wasn’t attractive when it was actually the most adorable thing in the world. Phil missed Dan more than he ever could love him. It was a scary thought, but he missed him more than flowers did during the winter. 

Pj saw Phil’s face, and put his hand on Phil’s back when he leaned forward. Phil shook his head in his hands and let a sob leave his body. He couldn’t deal with all the guilt; he couldn’t deal with waking up every morning to find himself remembering the thing he wanted to forget the night before. Dan wanted to move on, and Phil wanted to stay in the past. They were becoming two different lives, two different souls. No smiles, no more holding each other’s hand, it was all over. 

“Phil, please come out night, for a little. If you want to go you can, but just say hi to everyone please.” Pj said with a calm voice, not wanting to hurt the man even more. He has never seen someone was hurt before because of the person they loved, little bit of hurt could do good but when he saw Phil’s face lift up and he saw the no color or life in of his eyes he knew that Phil was drowning in his own love.

The restaurant was full blown when Dan got there, he could see all the couples dressed perfectly enjoying their food and smiling with wine glasses to their lips. Dan enjoyed watching couples, especially the older ones. Dan breathed in and walked out to the piano, he could hear some of the people clap as he sat down. He shuffled his music into an order he decided to play in. Dan wasn’t going to lie but he only prepared for an hour and a half of music, most because that is how long a usual dinner goes around here. Dan turned to both sides before he started playing and one couple caught his eye.

They had to be in there eighties and it seemed like they just got there. The older man had pulled out the chair for his wife Dan assumed. She was smiling bright and she had put a piece of her hair behind her ear. He could almost feel the love coming off of the both of them. Dan’s eyes brought to the keys as he started playing, old couples gave him hope. They went through anything and everything and still were able to wake up in the morning smiling t the person they loved even through every fight or every goodbye they gave off of anger or pain. Dan’s eyes widen as he played on the piano Phil gave him, playing the song Phil bought him for Christmas and thinking about how any couple can go through everything and still love each other no matter what. 

Fragile N. 4 started to become energized with hope and love; the chorus seemed to stop everyone from talking. Dan didn’t wait to cry anymore, he didn’t want to be away from Phil. Right now he just pretended that everything was okay, that Phil was right by his side looking at his fingers while he played, like he was in the church where they first meet. That when he would play he could feel Phil’s eyes go up and down him taking in everything Dan was doing. At first he thought it was creepy but then he realized that this is what they would do. While Phil would write Dan liked to see what Phil did when he got an idea. His eyes would brighten up and he would literally race to his computer and just type faster than comets going through the beautiful clear sky. 

When Dan finished he could hear the clapping and some people put money in a jar on top of the piano but all he wanted was to be able to look to his side and see Phil’s eyes once more.

“Pj, I want to go home.” Phil mumbled when they got out of the taxi at a bar close to the university. Phil was dressed in the same outfit that he wore the night of the piano performance he took Dan to, Pj had picked out the clothes while Phil was taking a shower and when he saw them he couldn’t just say no. Now he was walking into a bar with people he knew but yet again he had never felt so alone. 

He could hear all the greeting and hugs and pats on the back but it seemed to put him more into a depressed coma of being a walking zombie. Phil’s eyes caught Cat’s and she smiled sadly at him then enveloped him in a bear hug. She didn’t really speak but Phil could see it in her eyes. She pulled him back into a hug putting her lips close to his ear.

“Phil, I am so sorry about Pj pulling you ot here because I know exactly where you want to be but just do me a favor and go to him instead of your apartment. No regrets, don’t regret this moment years from now when you are with someone you don’t want to be. Go to him. Go on.” 

Phil wouldn’t lie but he ran out of that bar faster than he had ever ran before. He could hear Pj yelling at him on what he was doing but he could also hear Cat calming him down. All Phil thought of was Dan’s lips and how much he loved him. It was like a repeat of everything they had ever done with each other. The train and Dan’s soft lips, those bones that popped out and the tears they share. All the stupid food decisions and video games to play next and when they should go to bed. Whose apartment they would go to or which side of the bed they would sleep on even though they would end up cuddled right next to each other. The moans that he could get out of Dan while kissing his neck and when they played hide and seek in a fucking grocery store. 

Phil went to the closest place first, Dan’s apartment but when he got there he saw all the lights off. Dan couldn’t be home then he had all of the lights on when he was home and didn’t dare to turn them off because of the unknown in the dark that he feared the most. Phil knew where Dan would be then, at work. Of course he would, Phil looked at his watch. 11:43, seventeen minutes to get to the restaurant before midnight. Maybe he could fix it before the New Year, maybe they can start off with a new year, a new them. A new story and a new sound, Phil started to run again. He couldn’t stop to get a cab and be able to pay in that time but he didn’t even think that he could even there on his feet, but that didn’t stop him all it did was make him run faster.

Dan looked up at the clock that was placed behind after finishing the first song he had ever played to Phil, 11:57. He turned back and looked at the front door wishing that he could just see Phil run straight into the restaurant to kiss Dan to a new year.

11:58, Phil had three more blocks to run and his throat was closing he his hope was slowly draining from his face down his feet. His head was spinning and his mind was running faster than his feet, the thought of looking into the most beautiful brown eyes again made his lungs collapse but his lips smile.

11:59, Dan rested his fingers on the piano to start playing New York, New York. He watches the clock closely and waits for the second hand to hit ten seconds before the clock strikes twelve. He saw it at fifteen seconds before and looked back at the glass door waiting for a person that will never show up.

10, Phil had half a block to go and he was lucky that there was barely any traffic because if there was a red light he would till run straight through pray to god and maybe Satan that he would be killed in the process. This was way too close to even be called a close call. He could see the firefly lights that hung low on the restaurant.

5, Dan was still staring at the door and he swore that he could see someone running towards the door. His heart started to race faster than the second hand clock and he smiled widely knowing who it was, Phil. His Phil.

Phil’s eyes dropped when he heard the clock and tried to open the door but it ended up being locked. Phil’s head turned aggressively towards the street signs, he was in the right place. He swore to himself that he wasn’t dreaming, he made it to Dan in time. When Phil’s eyes gazed up at the street signs that were rusted and old he saw that he was still a block away, he couldn’t fucking believe it. While sliding down the door of the stupid store he cried lightly bashing his head against the door like his whole world finally collapsed into the disgrace that he had become. 

Cat and Pj both were shocked when they saw the sight of Phil completely lose himself, Cat brought her hand to her mouth and chocked down a sob while Pj looked lost in what his best friend had become. They turned back against the corner and looked at each other in silence only wanting to help their friend when they didn’t know how. 

~*/|\\*~

Dan was sitting in front of the piano after the lights had been turned off and he was left to lock up the restaurant, he held his tongue when a man ran into the restaurant to run straight past him and picking up the beautiful girl who had sat there all night lonely with tiny droplets of water leaving her lashes. He didn’t want to cry once more, it was his own fault for being excited for something that would never happen again in his life. Dan picked up his music and held his breath when his fingers brushed the pages of Fragile N. 4. He didn’t want to go to sleep just yet even though it was past two in the morning. 

None of his thoughts where pointed towards moving on or the future but point opposite of what he was and needed, he wanted the past to come and haunt him just like his thoughts did every night and how his ribs would poke painful out of his skin when he turned. Dan moved slowly to the door and grabbed his leather jacket, he picked up the key out of his pocket and stepped out of the restaurant. With the turn of the key he locked the door and started walking. It was a new year now, maybe Dan could start writing his own music and invest more time into his own personal playing. Maybe get gigs at weddings or at stupid poem places in the university. He smiled a tad, the thought of how far he had brought his playing. Even when his parents hated everything about the music and were furious about him dropping out of law school he was content. He enjoyed playing and wanted to improve but it still wasn’t enough.

Dan had missed the Phil by his side, his voice was the new sound that brought his life back into line. His voice showed him where to go and he remembered while walking down the road Phil had laid in only three months before. Dan smiled when he looked at the exact spot and brought his fingers to the ground to try and pull the memory back up by touch. He looked up from his knees to the old church that he had visited a week before. He knew that Phil still went there by the gift and he couldn’t be upset because Dan did go there to when he said he never would again. He walked up the steps that echoed with every bounce of Dan’s lead feet. He crawled through the crack and didn’t carry if his jacket got stuck but only protected the thing that now mattered most to him, his music. 

He walked in with a straight face, not looking at the sides and just went straight up to the stairs that lead him to the piano. Dan dropped himself on the seat that had carried him so far. His fingers were sore and his shoulders cracked with every press of the keys but it was the empty pain that didn’t matter. He felt himself slowly recover even though he didn’t want to but then he remembered that he didn’t have to yet. 

“Please stop hiding from me.” Dan whispered.

The footsteps were quiet and they haunted Dan’s mind because of the beauty and frightened feeling he was feeling at this very moment, he wasn’t regretting a second of it either.

Phil knew that he couldn’t sit up against a door for the whole night, but he didn’t want to crawl back to bed that was empty and cold like his heart. He wanted to be wrapped in warmth that trailed down his body and made him feel like reality was slipping away. He wanted color to be pumped into his veins that pushed the healthy blood through his arms and legs. Instead, he was draining himself black and white slowly melting into the world taking him away. His heart was completely broken into two and he felt like dying would be better than this pain. Of course death would never be the option but if Phil had nothing to life for then maybe. 

‘Not maybe.’ Phil thought shaking his head. He had a family, a mother and father that he loved dearly, he had the best friends that understood him and just wanted the best. Phil sneered at the thought of letting them go, he felt selfish but he couldn’t feel anything else. 

He lifted himself from the cold ground and hit his shoulder against the door feeling dizzy from madness and blood shot eyes. Phil felt like he had five shots but in honesty reality had hit him so hard that it knocked all of his thoughts to the drain on the street. He pulled out his phone and unlocked it, he had his ear buds in his jacket. They were tangled together like snakes, he pulled them apart bit by bit then picked a song to blast at full volume.

“This one comes and this one goes, so here we are across the road.” Phil sang to himself while stuffing his rough hands in his warm jacket that seemed to do no help. 

“Taking all the time we rode, through the town we grew old. Our stories and pictures, oh we let them go.” Phil’s voice cracked as he walked down the middle of the road. He didn’t care if he was thinking selfishly anymore, he knew that he was hurting more than Dan and he didn’t know why. 

Phil had his head placed firm on his shoulders before Dan came into his life, he had an amazing job ahead of him and the best friends he could ever ask before. Now his nose ran and he sniffed to himself, he ran away from everyone that night for one person. He would run away from his life he had now if it meant that he would have him back, in his hands cuddling tightly wrapped in blankets. 

He walked straight past the apartments and the church, Phil went into the coffee shop that started it all really. He sat down at the same table as the last time, it still had Dan’s name on the table when he decided to engrave his name on there. There were multiple names, you could see hearts around two of them but the saddest ones were the ones that had be crossed off violently. As Phil got his black coffee from the woman who knew him well, he saw the most amazing quote. “I am violently in love with you; the only reason why it is violent is because it seems to tears me to shreds every time I think about it.” 

He sipped his coffee and analyzed the quote more, how could you violently in love with someone. Does it mean that you would do anything and everything for them even if it would kill you and make you feel dead inside? Did it mean that person was the only reason for your existence? Did it mean that you weren’t actually in love that person but the thought of that person? Did it mean something more than it actually put off to be or was it so simple that analyzing it would get you nowhere? Phil’s head hurt, this was too much thinking, but then he breathed in. Maybe it meant that being in love with them ended yourself but became one with them. 

Phil ran out of the shop and dropped his coffee, sure he was tired of running. Sure he was tired of the tears, sure everything was started to get old, sure he was start to except that this was actually the end. Sure, but Phil knew that he had to do one more thing to be able to move on. He had to be told to move on because if he wasn’t told, he would be stuck in a hole that he would build around himself. Phil would cause his own sadness then blame it on Dan when that wasn’t the truth. It was Phil’s fault and he needed to be told that. 

When Phil got to the church, he sat in a dark corner far away from the door and piano. He sat there and he knew it was a stupid feeling but he knew that Dan would show up, the last time Phil came here he saw that the piano music and book were gone. Dan had come back here or a cat ate them but he knew Dan came here. He was silent, it would pay off it had too. It seemed like hours, but it only had to be minutes when he heard the creaks of the wood move. His heart stopped then bet so fast that he could hear the blood pump in his ears. Phil first saw his hair that was curly as ever, Dan didn’t straight it for the first time in forever. He couldn’t bear to look at him anymore, it felt like his heart was taken out and bet to ash then placed back in his chest. Phil saw Dan make his way up to the piano and saw him sit down, he could only see the top of his head but somehow that was enough.

“Please stop hiding from me.” Phil’s eyes widen, he cussed at himself for being seen even though that is exactly what he wanted, all he wanted was closure so he stopped hiding. Phil didn’t say anything as he walked up the stairs, he was shaking a tad and didn’t even realize that Dan knew that he was there. He almost jumped like the first time they met. He heard the seat move and saw Dan stand up right when Phil reached the top. He stared at the back of his head and Dan slowly turned around with a sad smile hanging on his lips. Phil almost broke down again when he saw that they were both wearing what they had worn on their first date, it was all too real it was all too painful. Dan kept his music on the piano and he started to walk towards Phil, but what he realized was that Dan was going to walk right past him if he didn’t stop him.

“I’m here for closure.” Phil spoke as loud as he could before his voice would crack. “Yes, I love you and yes I do think I need you, but if you don’t need me. If you don’t want me, if you don-“ his voiced cracked but at this point nothing mattered anymore. “If you don’t love me, please say it. Tell me to move on so I can.” Phil whispered at the end. “Tell me you don’t love me so I don’t lose myself completely.”

“Phil.” Dan said without looking into his eyes. “I may be foolish or unwise, but I don’t think I can do that.” Dan could see the anger in Phil’s eyes, they were raging pits of fire and it seemed like he would explode. 

“Why can’t you!” He yelled, Dan wasn’t shocked at this reaction because he would act in the same way. 

“If I stay.” Dan started “You wouldn’t have to be told I don’t love you ever again.” Dan choked out.

“No matter how much I tried to hate you, I couldn’t. I could never hate you. You fucking messed up, you messed me up so much but you are the only who can fix it. I love you too much to hate you, you could kill me and my last words would be I love you.” Dan tried to yell but it only came out as a squeak. Dan ran up to Phil putting his head on his chest. 

“You should be the one begging me to stay.” What Phil did next was un-expected to him, but somehow made a smile form on his lips.

“I will do anything, I will quit my writing, I will quit University. I will sell my heart and soul to the devil and give you the rest of my life to add time on yours. I will move anywhere with you and stay up late on nights when you can’t sleep. I will help you love yourself and get you healthy again. I will stand right next to you until the day you die. I will do anything for you, for us.” Phil’s voice was soft in Dan’s ear. “You are right, I should be the one asking you to stay so please, stay.”

Dan looked straight into Phil’s chest then tilted his head up to see Phil’s eyes slowly fill up with the color of snow gleaming in the blue sky. Before his eyes were cold and dark like his known but now that came back to life like a dead character in a Disney movie, Dan realized that it was not only painfully for himself, but it seemed like Phil had traveled through the coldest places of hell. He had fell in love with the bright crystallized eyes that were just as playful as a child’s, he brought that life back into Phil and he wanted to feel that feeling himself. Dan nodded his head at the idiot in front of him; he wrapped his arms around Phil’s warm neck whispering okay multiple times in his ear. This is where he belonged and never would he leave the stupid writer at Uni with the love of anime and classical music. 

~*/|\\*~

End of Part Two and End of Story.

**Author's Note:**

> (I don't own any of these songs, all rights go to the artist)
> 
> Ingenue by Thom Yorke  
> Smother by Daughter  
> We Move Lightly by Dustin O'Halloran  
> Like Real People Do by Hozier  
> Halo by Ane Brun ft. Linnea Olsson  
> So Cold by Ben Cocks  
> Fragile N. 4 by Dustin O'Halloran  
> Whispers by Dave Baxter  
> I Know by Tom Odell  
> Canon in D minor by Pachelbel (Vetta Quartet from Singapore)  
> Opus 55 by Dustin O'Halloran  
> C'est La Mort by The Civil Wars


End file.
